The Dare to Destroy ~Cashby~

Chapter 15

"Oh well, now that is a shame, guess I'm just going to have to re-think my next move." Ronnie shrugged. "Watch your back Carlile, and you better warn gingey to watch his...oh wait...he hates you. Bye bye Carlile."

Before I could even do or say anything, he was walking off acting like he'd just won the olympics or something. I couldn't let him win, I had to find a way to take him down, I had to protect Alan, he may hate me but I still love him...I had to find away.

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Alan's POV

"What? What are you doing Ashby?! Come on we're gonna be zombie food in a minute!" Shayley spoke loudly as he frantically hit the trigger button.

"Hey I was trapped! It was get out or die...I opted to get the hell out!" I replied, trying to fight my way out of a hoard of zombies. "A little help wouldn't go amiss you know!"

"Alright, fine, Shayko saves the little ginger princess once again!" Shayley sighed. I suddenly paused the game, my chest suddenly feeling tight as a lump formed in my throat.

"Hey Alan what you..." Shayley gasped as he realised what he just called me. "Oh damn I'm sorry...I-I wasn't thinking, i-it just slipped out."

"N-No it's okay." I shook my head, trying desperatly to swollow the lump in my throat.

"You miss him don't you?" He looked at me sadly. I could only nod my head, as much as I hated him, I couldn't deny the fact that I missed him. "It'll get easier bud, I promise."

"When? When will it get easier? I-I hate him, s-so much, h-he hurt me so bad...but I-I still love him. I-I try to tell myself not too, b-but I can't just stop." Tears started rolling down my cheeks, I couldn't hold them in as much as I tried.

"Of course you can't." Shayley sighed, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his side. "You can't just stop loving someone, even if they've done the worst thing imaginable to you. You can't just...switch it off, there isn't an off switch for feelings sadly. Sure you can shut them off, for a little while, but the fact of the matter is, it never lasts long. You're in that awkward phase of a brake up where one minute you want to punch and kick the hell out of them, you hate them with every inch of your being, but the next...you just kind of want to go running back and have everything go back to how it was. It sucks, I know."

"W-What am I s-supposed to do?"

"Eat shit tons of ice-cream, shoot a load of zombies, cry over a rom-com and let it all out. You also need to learn that, you're so much better then that, then him. He doesn't deserve you, not for a second, you need to believe in yourself, that you're worth so much more then someone who's only going to cause you pain and can lie straight to your face and do what he did. It won't happen over night, but until then you got me, I got ice-cream, zombie games and rom-coms, I also have a pretty comfy shoulder to cry on and I'll be here whenever you need it. I know people, and life have never given you much of a reason to trust...but you can trust me, I'm like you...not them."

"I-I know, t-thank you." I sniffed, wiping my eyes with my hoodie sleeve.

"Want to get fat on Ben and Jerry's and watch a movie? I'll even let you cuddle my Dragonite plush?"

"Okay." I nodded, mustering up a small smile.

"Alright, well I'll go get the ice-cream, my DVD's are in the bottom drawer of the unit, pick which ever on tickles your fancy." He smiled, releasing me and getting off the bed. I nodded my head again as a reply and he left the room and ran down stairs.

I browsed through his DVDs, he had quite an impressive, and varied collection I had to admit. Pretty sure there was at least a handful of every genre you could think of. My heart sank when my eyes found his Star Wars boxsets. They where Austin's favourite films, I remember how we spent a whole weekend watching them back to back. After that I'd gotten him a storm trooper keyring and a green lightsaber, and I remember how happy it made him. Why did it have to be like this? I couldn't go a second without something reminding me of Austin. Why did I have to fall for him? Why did he have to make me so happy? Why did he have to create this small moments with me that made tiny butterflies float around when I remembered them? Why did I have to remember? Remember his face, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled? The way his tongue stuck out between his teeth too? Why did I have to remember how lost I got in his deep brown eyes, remember how his voice sounded like the worlds most perfect melody. Why did he have to destroy what we had?

I slammed my fist against the wall, it hurt but I didn't care as fresh tears poured. Why couldn't he have just told me?! I hated this, I hated all of this, everything! I hated feeling okay one minute then feeling like I was being burned alive the next. I hated how I couldn't hate him. I wanted to hate him, I knew I should hate him, and maybe I did, for a short while but I still loved him. I still craved his kiss, his touch, I just wanted to rewind and have none of this happen.

It was almost like I was an addict, and he was my drug and I'd been thrown into some hellish rehab programme to brake free from him, to get clean. But that's the thing, I didn't want to get clean, I still wanted him, in every way. But I could never trust him, I could never forget the lies and betrayal, I could never forget all this pain, hurt, upset and anger. I could never forgive him for what he did, how could I? I was coping fine until he came along, and now I'm a mess. I wanted him, but I didn't want him at the same time. I loved him, but I hated him too. I wanted to forget him but I didn't want to forget those small moments that showed me what happiness felt like. I wanted to run away, but I also wanted to stay, just so I could see him in the halls. I wanted to cry, scream, go on a hulk like rampage, but I also just wanted to fall into his arms and be okay. I wanted to hurt him, but at the same time I couldn't bare the thought of causing him pain. I hated this, I was so messed up and confused, I fucking hated this, when was it going to be over.

"Why Austin, why?" I choked out quietly, leaning against the bed, my knees up to my chest with my face in my hands. My chest, my heart was hurting, all because of him, because he had to be so perfect and I had to be a fool to fall for him. I couldn't think of what to say, or what to do, all I could do is ask..."Why?"

A/N: Yeah sorry it's not great :/ I got kinda stumped with this chap and yeah I got big shit going on right now :(

Also dedications will continue in the next chap, I'm updating this from my mobile and naturally the pooey app doesn't have a dedication function.

Promise the next chap will be much better!!