"You are losing control
You are losing yourself
That man is your downfall
your ticket to hell
But his hands are like black magic
This isn't love but God
it's almost as good..."
- Lang Leav, Losing
I was stuck in a loophole of betraying myself and choosing myself.
I'd convince myself it was better to move on because he'd never give me what I want but one message from him and I was on my knees for the smallest crumbs of attention.
_______________________________________
Mystery Guy 🤍
Today
Good morning! 😊
✔8:03 AM
Good afternoon! 😊
✔1:00 PM
Good evening! 😊
✔6:00 PM
?
✔8:49 PM
Sorry, I just wanted to talk sana.
✔8:50 PM
About?
✔9:01 PM
Last time...
Pero, if busy ka, okay lang.
✔9:02 PM
What about last time?
✔9:40 PM
Kung once lang ba iyon?
✔9:41 PM
Why?
✔10:15 PM
Ah.
✔10:16 PM
When are you free?
✔10:17 PM
Bukas pagkatapos ng shift ko.
Bakit?
✔10:18 PM
Okay. See you.
✔10:49 PM
_______________________________________
Susunduin niya ako pag nagkataon.
Some days he would take me to that spot to get drunk and forget everything. I let him kiss me when it happens and pretend that I'm the one he was in love with and not...Lisa.
Other days he'd take me to art galleries, museums, or artsy spots. We'd take photos and have a meal while I pretend we're on a normal date like all the other couples around.
Pero, kadalasan, he'd ignore my messages.
And, on days when I don't even exist to him, I hang out with Adelle after my shift. Hindi ko kayang umuwi kaagad knowing na I might bump into Kenma or worse, Kurt - and feel guilty and sad - kaya I chose to spend time with my new girl bestfriend instead.
Adelle liked making crafts kaya she usually let me tag along at her pottery, knitting, or baking classes. Judging by how it was just her and the teacher in class, I assumed they were expensive, private lessons but she made it clear na I didn't have to pay anything and she was just happy to be with a friend.
For some reason, whenever I successfully learned a new craft, he was the first person I thought of.
When I learned to bake, I gave him a fresh batch of strawberry muffins.
When I learned to knit, I gave him a handmade coaster.
When I learned to make simple pottery, I gave him a small pen holder.
He'd decline the gifts at first - of course - but after one or two bottles, he'd accept them without a word and plant a soft kiss on my cheek.
The butterflies in my stomach would go wild - until he opens his mouth and utters her name along with a compliment he would never give me.
"You were always creative, Lisa."
"You're so thoughtful, Lisa."
"This is cute, Lisa."
Just like that, the butterflies turn to nails piercing my insides and flooding me with feelings I can't afford to vomit.
Hindi ako si Lisa, I'd scream in my head but due to the fear of losing him and these small moments, I'd just smile.
Because I love him, I can't push him away even if he hurts me. I can't walk away even if I feel like the pain he is giving me is enough to kill me.
"Mei, may problema ba?" Kenma asked me one day after he caught me spacing out in the middle of our conversation.
We were currently having lunch at nagpaalam si Kurt na aalis kanina kasi may meeting pa siya kasama ng coach at vice-captain nila tungkol sa nalalapit na inter-high tournament kaya kaming dalawa lang ni Kenma ang magkasama ngayon.
This wasn't the first time na wala ako sa sarili these past few days. Our late rendezvous - albeit infrequent - has been taking a toll on both my sleep schedule and my academics.
Kahit hindi kami laging nagkikita ay hindi pa rin ako nakakatulog ng maayos sa gabi. At dahil hindi na nga kami sabay nina Kurt pumupunta ng school, lagi akong nalalate sa klase these past few weeks kaya nawarningan na ako ng adviser namin kanina na kakailanganin na niyang kausapin si papa kung late pa rin ako kinabukasan.
"...wala naman," mahina kong sagot, avoiding his eyes.
"Parang wala ka kasi sa sarili nitong nakaraang mga araw," nag-aalala niyang sabi. "Lagi kang nakatulala tapos hindi ka rin kumakain ng maayos tuwing lunch."
I kept quiet and looked down. He meant well but I didn't feel comfortable telling him about it - especially since bestfriends rin sila ni Kurt. Ayaw ko nang saktan pa ito lalo kapag malaman niya ang pinagkakaabalahan ko nitong nakaraang mga araw.
"...I'm always here for you, okay?" Kenma said after a while, sensing that I didn't want to talk about whatever was bothering me. However, his tone told me that he had an inkling of what it might be about.
"Kaibigan ko si Kurt pero kaibigan rin kita, Mei. Mahalaga ka rin sa akin."
"Salamat," I softly said - overwhelmed with appreciation and shame.
Kenma was like a brother to me and there are some things that you just can't tell your family - especially the conversation I had with my adviser earlier.
"Mei, mahihirapan kang kumuha ng scholarship para sa college kung ganito ang attendance record mo..."
"...Bukod sa iyong habitual tardiness, nalaman ko ring nahihirapan kang sumabay sa mga class lessons nitong nakaraan. Ayon sa mga teachers mo ay marami kang assignments na hindi naipasa sa kanilang subjects..."
"...May problema ba kayo sa bahay?..."
"...Pwede mo naman akong kausapin kung may bumabagabag sayo, Mei. Alam mo namang sinusuportahan kita ng husto sa kagustuhan mong makakuha ng academic scholarship para sa college kaya kita tinawag ngayon..."
"...Kung malalate ka ulit bukas ay kinakailangan ko nang kausapin ang papa mo tungkol sa iyong habitual tardiness at hindi pagsumite ng mga class assignments..."
"Whatever it is you're going through, I just hope things will get better soon," Kenma stated in a sincere tone.
I hope so too.
