What Destiny Lies for Us (Esperanza Series #1)

Chapter 37

"It's somehow a common complication during delivery. You know, when the vagina can't accommodate the size of the baby's head. Hindi naman kasi ganoon ka-stretchy 'to."

"'Di mo na kailangan i-explain." He took a deep breath. "I think... I kind of got it."

"This didn't make you scared of vaginas, did it? Like I said, it's common." I asked humorously.

He shook his head sternly, accepting that he couldn't formulate articulate words as of the moment. He just held my hand to assure me that he had himself under control. Nabigla lang talaga siya.

We got back to our own business sooner. He continued on practicing wearing a diaper on the small pillow, making sure it was tight but breathable. I continued on reading about other curiosities that I haven't got the answer to. Dr. Sanchez already answered a lot of my questions about anesthesia so that was off my list. Mas tumutok na lang ako sa mga pain relief methods na pwede kong gawin during labor at lalo na sa tamang pamamaraan ng pagbe-breastfeed.

Perhaps it was the unnerving fears of becoming a parent soon that made the last months of pregnancy harder to grasp. I just wanted to do this right, knowing I couldn't control and get a hold of everything. All my life, I've known to take care of myself in the best way I learned; suddenly my life changed when another life was growing inside of me. I have to think of another human being more than my own, I have to dedicate my whole life more than I would for myself.

Somehow, there was relief in all that fear because that fear grew out of love.

"How do you know if you're doing it right? The parenting thing?" I asked, my head hanging low.

"Hanggang ngayon, nahihirapan pa rin ako," Papa answered, "kahit na malaki na kayo ni Pierceson at marunong na kayo gumawa ng sarili niyong mga desisyon. Alam kong napalaki ko kayo nang maayos at tama kasi nakikita ko 'yun sa mga kilos ko pero hindi naman agad-agad 'yung naging desisyon ko doon."

My father had my mother only for a few years because life took her away. It must have been twice as hard and scary for him. First was when their children were born into this world, second was when he had to take care of those two children all by himself after all of his hopes that he'd have Mama with him.

"I don't think anyone is supposed to get it right at first. Kung takot ka, okay lang 'yun. Tandaan mo na lahat naman ng magulang, unang beses lang din naging magulang sa buong buhay nila. Did you think your mother and I weren't scared when we first had you? Did you think we knew exactly what we were doing? No. Let the fear soak in you for a little while, it will go away someday, but never let your fear tell you you will never be a good parent."

I put the cup's rim at the edge of my lips. I couldn't bring myself to take a sip while there's another warmth brewing in my chest.

"Siguro oo, natututunan siya pero hindi siya nama-master. Wala kasing perpektong magulang, tulad din na kayo ni Pierce, kayong mga anak ko, ay hindi rin perpekto. You just learn to manage slowly on the way. For me, I think the best way was trusting my gut. Wala na Mama mo, wala rin 'yung pamilya ko noon. Ako na lang talaga 'yung sasandalan niyo ni Pierce. Noong mga panahon na 'yun, I did what I thought was the best for you two. I think that was pretty reliable. Right? Look at you now, Chai."

His head tilted to one side. His lips showed me a reassuring smile. My father owned the warmest smile that could calm me down in a snap. It always told me to take a slow look at things so I'd realize what I was doing and appreciate my actions from a farther perspective.

"Nothing can beat the gut feeling of a parent."

Time flew faster because I had nothing else to do but wait for my due date. I wasn't entirely sure of that; this was my first pregnancy after all. Who knew how much I sugarcoated the free time I had?