THE WHORE DIARIES

12: THE THERAPY

TINA: Well, it's not my fault that I'm jealous! I just want a nice love, like being happy. I just need my other half next to me to be together. Let's go for a walk, drink tea, ride a bike, eat a hot dog... And not just rubbing his stick in by bootyhole to start a bonfire. I'm not some fancy barracuda.

ANA: In what sense do you mean that?

TINA: Well, the three of us had a phase of hunting men in the evening. And we got everyone we wanted, and we got it from everyone. But somehow it's not my style anymore. I'm not one for going out with five thousand people where everyone pours alcohol for hours. I kind of outgrew it. I need something for a long time.

ANA: Tell me, what do you think, do your friends see you like that?

TINA: Oh no, they think we're still sluts. I mean, it's not like we're not, but I'm on a higher level. I read in a magazine that every real woman must have at least four lovers. One from work, one for going out, one for home and one with a good car. My friend Sonja has 9, one for each day, and two on Fridays and Saturdays. And again, I think it's better to have one, but a virtuous one.

ANA: I agree with your point of view.

TINA: Also, I look in the mirror, and I like that I have a big butt, but I'm kind of fat. I want to have a body like sandstone and chest made of concrete like Marilyn Monroe, and I look like a can of Redbull.

ANA: You are a young and beautiful girl. It will all come into its own.

TINA: I know, but my hips are like a tetrahedron. I'm a bit of a jerk to myself.

ANA: What do you think your friends would say about you?

TINA: Well, Alexandra probably wouldn't say anything. And Sonja, she speaks her mind, but she's too busy taking provocative photos for Onlyfans. She told me that Migos follow her and they pay well.

ANA: Fine.

TINA: I would like to find such an ideal soulmate...

ANA: And what would your ideal partner be like?

TINA: I want it to be like a panther. A slender, lithe person... He must be blue-eyed, because that's so sexy, like cherry pie... That he's gentle, strong, a party maniac. I want him to be able to pick me up with one hand and lay me down on the bed, and at the same time treat me like a rose petal. Then again, when he kisses me, I want to feel sparks on my cheek from the touch and butterflies in my stomach. Plus, it makes me fantasize about an anal exam. I want him to be... the right man for me.

ANA: Have you felt it yet?

TINA: I'M NOT. There was a guy a long time ago, two months ago, whom I met at a party. He was mixed, I think he was half Italian or something. But he is not one of those short and small ones. Tall, with a beard, brown and he smelled of such a beautiful perfume, and he says he thinks about me all the time when he's home alone. And now, I wrote him an erotic message, because I really wanted him. And I knew he was big because I know how to judge that based on some other physical characteristics. Basically, when I was typing the message I accidentally sent it to my aunt's son, Mark. And then it turned out to be literally incest and I'm ashamed. And I was so drunk, I didn't know what else to say... And now that character has returned to Italy to study. I would like to see someone like that again.

ANA: Try Tinder.

TINA: I can't for legal reasons. I'm banned.

ANA: Then maybe student exchange? You could apply and go to Italy.

TINA: I'm literally Italy, so I could. Come stay, tutti frutti, colpo grosso, Sorrentino, Capuccino, Barbonccino!

ANA: Nice.

TINA: I'm so indecisive now... I'm so executed, ah!

ANA: Don't be indecisive.

TINA: I went to an astrologer, and she told me that three divorces await me! And that shook me so much, because I thought I would be a good wife. Let's say my older sister got married eight months ago and is literally already pregnant with triplets. I don't know how that happened really, guess she got stuffed a lot. And now I have to be like a fancy aunt who never got married and lost her virginity at a Katy Perry concert in a little Fiat 500! PU....

ANA: Okay.

TINA: Oh, am I exaggerating? I'm such an explosive character, I say everything I think...

ANA: No, I'm here to listen to you. Everything is fine.

TINA: Basically, I know that my friend Alexandra had sex on his birthday, literally everyone knows because they heard her yelling about wanting light-up condoms. I have nothing against that either, go ahead, I'm not going to make you a fucking schedule, but please, you're embarrassing yourself. Plus, someone jammed the toilet because they threw a chicken drumstick into the toilet and then we waited for them to leave that room since it has an en-suite, and there isn't one... I threw up from the terrace! And then this guy sent some video of himself singing and singing really well...

ANA: Interesting.

TINA: I mean, the public opinion is that I am promiscuous, as if Sam Smith is not straight. But I want to be quiet a bit lately. I tell him, I wouldn't have given him that evening, regardless of the fact that he was celebrating his birthday! Because I think a little bit of waiting and teasing comes in handy.

ANA: Fine. Well, you see how quickly an hour goes by.

TINA: Oh, it was really nice!

ANA: You said you pay by card?

TINA: Yes, I will leave Apple Pay.

ANA: I'm glad you chose to come to my place for a session.

TINA: I will come again in a couple of weeks. Just a little bit to simmer down.

She paid and left the apartment.