Bloom

10 | leap of faith

I tiredly kick off the pinched heels that have been glued to my feet for hours and sit down in front of my desk, my fingers quickly finding the buttons to undo my blouse. Today has been long.

I can't be too surprised though, going to church with my family always does this to me. The super long service paired with heavy soul food afterwards is an exhausting, yet fulfilling combo. Now that I'm stuffed and back in my room, I only have one thing on my mind — a shower.

I take a look at my laptop screen, briefly scanning over the few apartment complexes and loft areas that have been on my radar. I'm only one click away from applying to the majority of them, but I decide to leave it for another time and head into the bathroom. Running the water on the hottest setting, I hum the tune to one of the church songs that the choir sang earlier. As I lather the soap on my rag, one particular moment from church replays in my head.

"Good morning, everybody. My name is Tate, and I've come to share my testimony in light of today's word." A tall man with deep mahogany skin and a freshly trimmed beard grabs the microphone off its stand. His clothing is little worn in some areas, and his shoes have seen better days, but the light inside of his eyes is undeniable.

His face is new to the church, but familiar to me.

"I'd fallen on hard times recently and had to resort to living in my car. It sucked, but it was okay for a while because it was still a form of shelter and transportation. Well, my car broke down soon afterwards and of course, I couldn't afford to get it fixed. That left me walking distances that were far, uphill, and just plain difficult in all sorts of weather conditions every single day in an attempt to find work. I would do so much to get there just to be told no." Tate exhales deeply, casting his eyes downward and shaking his head in sad remembrance.

"Boy, after that eleventh job rejection, I started having some real dark thoughts. Like maybe I'm not meant to be successful in this lifetime — maybe this is the end for me." He transfers the mic from one hand to the other and scans his eyes across the congregation.

"I was so embarrassed about my situation that I refused to tell anybody about it. I didn't want their sympathy. There were people in the street panhandling and I told myself that that would never be me — that I could get it without begging for a handout. Finally, I got a call back to schedule an interview and I was elated . I thought that my break through was happening at last."

A few people clap and nod confidently, making Tate chuckle. He pinches the tip of his nose bridge, and wets his lips. "There was only one problem though. By the time that this happened, I was completely out of money, sore from sleeping in my car, and didn't have anything decent to wear to this interview. I'd hit rock bottom. I prayed all day and for the first time, I shed tears since becoming homeless. I felt so close and yet, so far away from the opportunity of a lifetime. It wasn't fair. See, this wasn't no regular job — this was an offer to work at The Pilliar Hotel. I felt like God had let me down."

The entire building is dead silent, everyone's eyes intensely focused on the newcomer.

"The very next day, I seen an elderly man cutting up cardboard boxes with an array of markers at his feet. He was humming an upbeat tune, happy, and hopeful as he passed out a few pieces of it to others in need, encouraging them each with kind words. Even though his life would probably appear to many like one that wasn't worth living — tattered clothes, dirty fingernails, a bad limp, and without a safe place to lay his head for over twenty years — he still spoke so confidently about the future."

"I don't know if it's because I didn't have many people to talk to or if it was his infectious joy that made me open up, but I did. I told him how I'd been doing everything in my power to turn my life around, but things just weren't working out. He responded with "you aren't trying hard enough." Momentarily, I was offended until he picked up a piece of cardboard and motioned to line of markers on the ground. His next question, "Did God abandon you or did you expect him to do all the work?" truly shook me to my core."

He places a flat palm across his own stomach and the congregation starts humming with understanding, various people nodding their heads in agreement vigorously.

Tate grips the mic tighter in his hands, his voice raising as he continues. "Then I had my real breakthrough — God hadn't abandoned me! It was me who had let my pride get in the way of my own betterment. It was me who wasn't utilizing all that God had placed in front of me to get out of my current situation. The sign was my sign. All I had to do was take a leap of faith just like Pastor Reeves said."

"Come on na!" A plump woman in the front row shakes a tambourine and throws her head back.

"I poured my heart out in black ink and then, I waited at a busy intersection. Many people ignored me and regarded me with disgust and annoyance, but I did get a few dollars here and there which I was grateful for. It was this one young man in particular though that had the biggest impact." He sighs, smiling as he gazes at the beams on the ceiling.

"He pulled up in a nice car wearing plenty of jewelry. It wasn't hard to see that he was doing pretty well financially. What struck me immediately is that he eyed me normally — there was no pity or annoyance or anything like that in his gaze. His $300 had saved my life, and his energy upped my confidence. I am eternally grateful. Anyway, I'm proud to announce that The Pilliar Hotel has the best bellhop that they could've ever hired. Please, never give up. Take a leap of faith — you never know where it could lead you. Thank you all for listening. God bless you, everyone."

I turn off the steaming water and step out of the shower, wrapping a fresh towel tight around my body before adding a bit of moisturizer to my skin. Hours later, I am restlessly tossing and turning in the bed, unable to shake the feeling of uncertainty and discontentment that visits me often. This time, it's intense and unwavering.

My life is already great, but I want more. I just feel too complacent. I need more independence. I need to step deeper into my womanhood.

Having my own place to stay has been a real possibility for a while now — something that I could financially achieve, but with my earnings from selling custom garments and my longtime income at Heated Prime, my savings are reaching new heights, opening even more opportunities and better prospects for me.

I always thought that I'd wait longer to actually apply for apartments, but the word keeps echoing in my head. Tate's testimony lit a fire up my ass.

If I don't go for it now, I may never move out.

It's always been a combination of fear, comfort, and finances that have held me back because I do come from a loving home with parents that do a lot for me. I'll always be grateful, but there comes a time for everyone to spread their wings.

I sit up and throw my legs over the bed, careful not to knock over any of the sewing materials and piles of fabric that are starting to fill up the space. Walking over to my desk, I open my laptop and the tabs that I was looking at earlier come back to life. I do another quick once over before pressing send, applying to three different locations.

Immediately, the feelings of unhappiness and unease is replaced with nervous excitement, and I'm jiggery as I return to bed.

I'm taking a leap of faith.