The Bright Colours of Misery [COMPLETED]

𝙲𝙷𝙰𝙿𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝚃𝙷𝙸𝚁𝚃𝚈 𝚃𝚆𝙾 -hating for loving-

Could a girl fall in love with other girls? The question ate Heidi's brain up for half a year. She did her research for a bit, in complete secrecy of course, and the answer was evidently no, but not the no she had expected. She had thought it to be impossible, but apparently it wasn't, but based on her sources, it was wrong. Wrong in the sense that it was an unnatural thing. She didn't come across any further information about it, so my human was left with nothing but the idea that her feelings were simply wrong, nothing more. Which obviously I didn't help her in the slightest and even if  I knew she would be forced to think this of herself and her feelings, it still hurt, it hurt me just as much as it hurt her but for different reasons. I was sad about the fact Heidi would never be able to love freely in the world she lived in, and Heidi hated herself for even loving in the first place, like society would have wanted her to.

Despite my protests against it she decided to distance herself from Tilda, for her own sake but mostly for Tilda's sake. She didn't want Tilda to ever find out, she didn't want to somehow lure her into these wrong feelings.

Although it was very difficult to distance herself from her dear friend during class, she thought it would get easier during the summer, but it became much harder than she had anticipated. It was downright impossible, because she loved spending time with her, and after trying to ignore her for a whole week, she realised it was hurting Tilda just as much as it was hurting her, and she just couldn't keep doing that for long.

Once she stopped her little ignoring experiment, everything was pretty much fine apart from the fact that when the pair hung out, Heidi's fear for her own feelings would sometimes shine through, confusing her blond haired friend.

An example of this that I can recall was in late May 1939, when they were at the BDM. All the young girls were going to go to some sort of gathering in a part of town Heidi rarely ever went to, where some old man in uniform was going to have a speech about the reich.

(I don't remember him that well, because Heidi's thoughts were racing while he was speaking but what i do remember is that his yelling was quite unpleasant, anyway)

What happened was that all the girls from the BDM had to line up in pairs to walk from one side of town to another, where this speech would be, but in addition to this, they had to hold hands because Frau Wolf had said so, since it would apparently be easier to keep them in line that way. Tilda had not minded at all, and had taken Heidi's hand immediately, without a hint of hesitation. Unfortunately, by some sort of reflex Heidi had thrown Tilda's hand away, literally. I assume you can imagine the strange look Tilda gave her after that. The following hour had also been awfully awkward.

Another example of her obvious changed and fearful behaviour would be how she took much longer to come home from the BDM all of a sudden, because she just could not let Tilda walk with her at all, she would slip away every afternoon, and take a long turn around town before crossing the bridge and going home, only because she loved tilda.

She was almost as tense as when she would come home after Franz, lila and maria had stolen her glasses, which failed to go unnoticed, especially since the Seide household was sort of on edge recently. Her stress added onto the strange atmosphere of the house.

One particular afternoon she pushed the door open only to be met by Wilma, who evidently wasn't doing so well.

"Are you okay, Wilma?" Heidi asked, out of breath since she'd ran all the way home in fear of Tilda noticing she was avoiding her, which honestly, she already had a long time ago.

Wilma shook her head but took a deep breath, her hand over her chest, counting her heartbeats. My human nodded, and grabbed all of her homework, starting to do it all on the kitchen table.

Eventually Wilma seemed to have gone back to normal. My human gave her a watery smile as she turned to her.

"Could you help me with the laundry?" She asked carefully, Heidi looked up from her work book. She was going to refuse at first, but Wilma's expression was pleading, and her body was all tense so she accepted.

While the two sister's hung the laundry outside by Gisela's few plants and trees, Heidi thought of Tilda as she usually did. She wondered why she couldn't just have fallen in love with someone else. Why did she have to feel this for tilda? For a girl?

"Are you all right, Heidi?" Wilma asked, snapping my human out of her thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah," She lied.

"Are you sure?" Wilma insisted. "You've been acting quite strange lately."

Heidi produced a shrug.

"Have I?" She forced herself to chuckle. "Really? That's-"

"Heidi.." Wilma said, tilting her head, she knew something was off, and now she had it confirmed. My human looked down at her shoes, her red curls falling in front of her face like a curtain.

"Is it about Tilda?" Wilma then asked, Heidi's head jerked up, her eyes staring right into her sister's.

'How do you know?" She inquired almost immediately.

Her expression softened.
"I just noticed you don't hang out with her as much as you used to,"

A silence passed between them, and so did a light breeze. Heidi had to catch one of Gisela's socks in the air so it wouldn't fly away.

"What happened?" Wilma asked after a good minute.

Heidi shook her head. Nothing had happened, not really, but at the same time everything had changed and she couldn't explain any of it to Wilma. She feared to do so, even if he did trust Wilma more than anyone.

She hated being in love.