Holding On To Heartache

Chapter 2

He opens the first bottle of beer with the lighter and takes a big gulp. His gaze drifts to the only photo in his apartment - that of his beloved mother, and he stares at it for a long time. He closes his eyes and tries to recall her scent and when he can't remember, he sheds a tear. Even the memory of how it felt when she hugged him the last time is only faint and he sobs loudly. She was the only beautiful and good thing in his life and she was taken from him. His demons quietly crawl out again, clawing at the walls around his heart and demanding entry. Louis pulls his legs up and quickly tries to divert his thoughts to something else. But what do you think about when there is nothing good? Frustrated, he takes another sip and then lights a second cigarette although the first one has only just been put out. What does it matter? It is his last few hours. Louis never dreamed or thought about what his life could have been like, because what's the point of it? It would only be a lot of daydreams that don't come true after all and more torment. But tonight he wants to allow himself to do it, so he stubs out his cigarette, closes his eyes and falls back onto the mattress. He imagined little Louis growing up happily, going on vacations and trips with an intact family. The little boy grows into a teenager who has many friends to laugh with. First kisses and falling in love with a boy in his class with whom he poses for the prom photo with a grin. Student Louis, who studies drama the way he always imagined it when he was a little boy, only to later teach his own class. How he then marries his longtime partner and all his friends and family rejoice with them. They would then get a dog together, something Louis always wanted, and a few years later a child. Either through adoption or through a surrogate. They would grow old together and when he died he would be wrinkled and grateful for a happy life.

Louis wouldn't know how to describe how he feels about it if asked. It hurts. So damn much. And he's stunned at the same time. Why wasn't there at least one person in his life who saved him? Who took his hand and pulled him out of the swamp of his torment? Now that he's seen the images of how it could have been in his mind, he wants it so badly. And this is the problem. He should never have done it because now everything hurts even more. Once again the full reality of being alone hits him. And the loneliness, that damn emptiness is so much worse than physical pain. He has experienced both and can say it with absolute certainty. It is a torture that life has imposed on him and the question of why once again takes up his whole thinking.

Sighing, he sits up again and takes the last sip from his bottle. He decides to put an end to this immediately and reaches for the pack with his new pills. He tears it open carelessly and puts the first one in his hand. Then Louis quickly opens the second bottle of beer when suddenly his mobile phone makes a loud noise. Probably the owner of the bar, who fired him because he hadn't worked for several days. Otherwise he has no one to text him. He never liked the guy anyway and decides to write him one last mean text to say goodbye. He puts the pill and the beer aside and pulls his phone out of his pocket.

Of course it's Harry, who else would interrupt his suicide? Louis can't help but laugh sarcastically. He saves the number and doesn't even know why, in a few hours he won't be walking this earth anymore. But Harry doesn't know that and the next message appears.