The Feeling Checklist

29

"Don't," she says. "I hate the sympathetic apology just as much as you do. I was you, Hazel. I get it. Every emotion, the need to dissociate, the gaping hole that never seems to be filled... I get it, and it sucks, and there's nothing I can tell you right now that will make it better."

"It just doesn't make sense..." I say. "You're so fucking...happy all the time. How can you be happy after losing her?"

She shrugs. "People handle their pain in different ways, Hazel. I tried handling it the way that you did. I didn't speak to anyone at my old school. I had no friends, I avoided speaking to anyone at all costs, and then my dad got a job transfer, and we moved here this year, and I guess I just got tired of being fucking miserable. My mom wouldn't have wanted that for me. I promised myself that I would try at this new school, and I'm glad I did because I met you and River."

I tug on my bottom lip, loathing that ever since my mom passed, the tears won't stop flowing now.

"Take the time you need to wallow. It's good to wallow and understand how much she meant to you. But don't shut everyone out that loves you; believe me, it won't get any better. It'll just make it worse."

The tears flow heavily on my cheeks now, and then my bottom lip trembles and I completely break down again, hiding my face in my hands. Joy crawls over to me on the bed and wraps me in a tight embrace, and I cry into her chest, the space in my chest opening into a black fucking hole. "I just can't stop thinking about how selfish I was. Sometimes I'd get upset that my mom couldn't do things with me. I'd despise her sickness, I'd get mad at my mom for things she couldn't control. But now, I'd give anything to have her sit in her recliner all day and watch movies with her. I regret ever wanting more from her. I regret everything."

"Hazel..." Joy sniffles herself and rubs up and down my back in calming, gentle strokes. "You had every right to mourn how she used to be. It's okay to get upset at her illness. It's okay to be mad at how shitty life can be. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you human."

"None of this is fair," I sob. "I just met you and River, and now I have to move away. I'm losing the two best people to ever happen to me. I'm losing everyone and can do nothing to stop it."

"You are not losing us, Hazel. Are you crazy?" She pulls back to hold me at arm's length. "You are never losing me, and River loves you more than I think I've seen anyone love someone before. Like, if you told him you were going to be an astronaut and leave Earth for twenty years, he'd be there twenty years later with a fucking welcome home sign flying in the air."

This causes me to laugh, and then I cry harder because I haven't laughed since my mom passed, and it feels good.

"We'll set up a weekly video call schedule, alright? And I'm sure you and River will also have your...private sessions."

"Joy," I groan. "Ew."

"Turn your nose up all you want, but phone sex can be very enjoyable, and I think you and River will do extraordinary at it."

"Again...ew." My cheeks are flushed at the thought of doing something like that with him, but it makes me crave his touch. It makes me wish I was in his arms. I miss him, and I love him even more after he's respectfully given me this space and time I needed. Joy is right, though. I can't push them away when they just came into my life and made me happier than I've ever been. I need them both now more than ever.

"Well, you're smiling, so I've accomplished something," she says.

"I'm just so glad I met you. I've never had a best friend before and never thought..."

"It would be someone who wears glitter every chance she gets?"

I laugh. "Definitely not."

"Well, to be fair, I didn't think my best friend would be someone who wore fishnets, but I've learned that we don't always choose our friends. Sometimes, they choose us." She stands up from my bed and pats my shoulder. "I think I accomplished what I came here to do."

"You're leaving already?"

She nods and sends me a tiny grin. "So you can go and see who you really want to. It's written all over your face."

My cheeks turn even redder. "I want to see you too. I don't have to go right—"

"Please, do us both a favor and see him. You fail to realize that I'm best friends with you both, and if I have to listen to River gripe and moan about how miserable life is for one more second, I think I might lose it."

I can't argue with that, so rather than protest, I meekly nod and call her name when she's almost out the door. She turns her gaze to mine, eyebrows raised.

"If you ever need to talk about anything..."

She rolls her eyes. "I didn't tell you for a reason, Hazel. I see a therapist on the regular for that, but that's a conversation for a different time. Task three of my goals for you. For now, think of me as your rich best friend who has no problems, and because of you, she has grown a pair of balls for the first time in her life and doesn't take shit from any boy anymore."

I wipe away another tear that has fallen onto my cheek. "Well, my best friend is pretty damn incredible."

She smiles and replies, "So is mine."

A/N:

WHERE ARE THE TISSUES?

FML

WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK?

I'm back from my honeymoon/wedding and it was AMAZING! Sorry the update is a few days late. This story only has two chapters left! I can't believe we're almost finished. Only two more weeks of updates :(

Please comment/vote!

See you this Friday for another update <3

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