Dear Becky

Dear Becky,
Another year has gone by since I lost you. I guess I didn't really lose you, I know where you are. My brain knows you're gone, but my heart refuses to accept it.
The pain is still unbearable at times. I sometimes envy the mothers who have closure. The ones that know why their child died. They have a mangled wreckage of a car, or a vicious criminal behind bars, or a natural disaster, or a physical illness where they've had at least some time to prepare. Some even got a note. I didn't even get that. Why?
Why? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave your sisters? K was just 9, she looked up to you. You were her sissy. You were who she would want to come to as she got older, to talk about clothes, to talk about dances, to talk about boys, to talk about love. Now all she has is memories. But, they are memories of your love, your friendship, your protection.
E was only 3, you called her Boo. She didn't know what potato meant because you taught her they were called papas. You doted on her. You dressed her up like she was your baby doll and took pictures of her. She was so young, she doesn't even have the memories of you. All she has is pictures and the stories we tell.
You've missed so much. You missed seeing your sisters grow up. You have two precious nephews that will never know their amazing aunt. I show them your pictures and tell them who you are. They are too little to understand, but when they get older, I will tell them all about you.
My heart aches, there is a hole that can never be filled. The pain I feel is indescribable. It's not fair! I want you here! I should not have to go through this life without my child.
Do I get angry? Yes! At you? Sometimes. At God? Absolutely. At myself? Definitely.
I ask myself every day what I did wrong. What could I have done different? Why didn't I see something was wrong?
I know you visit me. I can smell you when you're near. I feel your breath near my ear, as if you're trying to talk to me, but I can't hear you. Oh, how I wish I could. I feel you when you hold my hand and when you wrap your arms around me. Only E has the same hugs as you did.
Every day I think about you. Your friends haven't forgotten you either. They talk about you all the time. So many of them have reached out to me, friended me, and stayed in touch.
It has been wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time, to see them grown, married and having children. Knowing I'll never have that with you.
I know you were there to meet your Papa when he came. I know how happy you were to see each other again.
Your grandma misses him so much. We all do. You know she misses you, every Christmas she writes you a letter.
I guess I'll close this letter now, it's getting harder to see through the tears. Never forget how much I love you. From the very moment I found out I was having a baby, I loved you. I was 17, your father left me, I was headed down the wrong path. But, you saved me, I decided to get myself together, grow up, and be a mom. When you were born, I was ready for you. You saved me, but, I couldn't save you. I'm sorry Princess. I wish life had a do over button, because I would push it in a heartbeat.
I have to keep reminding myself that I will see you again one day. Until then I will wait here with your sisters, without them I would not have been able to go on. They have been my strength.
I love you baby. I miss you so much. If I could I would reach up to the sky and grab you and bring you back to me.
Tell Jesus hello for me.
I love you.
Love,
Mom