clementine // joshler

59

"you don't have to apologize for that." tyler rubs my back over my shirt and it doesn't seem so bad anymore.

"come over tonight?"

"i'll be there. do you guys want boxes?"

"yeah, if you don't mind. thank you, sweetheart." i finally move my hands to look at him, small smile on my face.

"thanks, ty," hayley thanks him as well.

"don't thank me. it's my job. i'll be right back," he says, standing to go get our boxes.

"see? it's gonna be fine. we can go back to your apartment and watch a movie. i'll stay with you till ty gets there and we can have a therapy sesh," hayley tells me.

"thank you, h. i appreciate it, really."

tyler comes back and sets the boxes on the table. "here. i'll try and get everything closed up as soon as possible, okay? i'll come over right after."

"i'll leave the door unlocked. i love you." i look up to him and he gives me a soft, sweet smile. i think everything i'll ever need is in those blushed cheeks and pink lips.

"i love you. i'll see you in a few hours," he says, squeezing my shoulder once and then walking away.

hayley scrapes her plate into a box, shaking her head. "dude, the way you're looking at him right now is disgusting. i'm begging you to exit the honeymoon phase immediately," she says, laughing a little at my current state.

"sorry." i sigh with content and put my food into my own box. "i just missed being with someone who actually cares about me, you know? debby had cheated on me multiple times and then up and left the fucking country on a whim. i was devastated for so long. i hated feeling that way. i don't want to feel that way ever again."

"i know, big guy. therapy time when we get home. promise."

the drive back is short and i flop down onto the couch as soon as we get there, my leftovers abandoned in the fridge.

"so," hayley starts. "let's unpack that reaction," she says, sitting in the arm chair with her food in her lap.

"i just felt so... caught off guard. it brought everything up so fast i felt nauseous. it was like seeing a ghost or something."

"what did it bring up so fast? what feelings?"

"i don't know. fear? embarrassment?"

"fear of what?" she presses.

"having to confront her, i guess."

"and why is that scary? you're both in relationships now. what power does she have left over you that would make you scared of her?"

"i'm not sure. i feel like i'm finally over the whole breakup and i've moved on. i'm happy and i don't want it to fall apart like that did. i don't want to let her get to me, but she already has apparently. i mean, you were there. i was miserable all summer."

"if you're letting that relationship bring worry into this one, are you really over it?"

"i think so. i guess maybe i just developed, like... trust issues? but i trust tyler," i try to answer her question, but i'm not quite sure how to articulate my feelings.

"fear and trust can be separate. you can trust him and still be scared."

"i guess."

"and why were you embarrassed?"

"i feel stupid for the way i reacted, and just for the fact that i stayed with her for so long. i feel... pathetic."

"you can't help gut reactions to things, especially not when the reaction is from anxiety. besides, no one was there except me, and i still don't think you're pathetic. leaving even when you want to, or know you should, is still harder than staying. there's nothing wrong with hoping or wanting to be loved or for things to work out."