Solace

Chapter 13

     I'm the bad guy
          Billie Elish

Three years later

'Monster', 'Demon', 'Heartless', 'Villaness' ' Soulless '

Those are just some of the mañy titles I earned in my stay here at the war front.

The other titles are somewhat more hurtful and degrading.

It's been three years and a lot has happened.

Most of it being terrible things.

I want to try and make the bad things sound humourous, otherwise I'd end up sounding insane ,deranged and simply evil.

Only the skies know what I've been through.

All the bad things that I never wanted to happen to me happened.

I knew it from the beginning, that the school wanted me dead, otherwise why would they send an eighteen year old troubled teenage girl to the war front in a war.

Mind you I had no prior training, no experience and did I mention that I was troubled .

Death was definitely the end game of them sending me here, however,I couldn't let them simply get what they wanted that easy.

Instead I vowed to make all of them pay. I wanted to make all of them suffer in unending pain.

I wanted to become stronger so that none of them could ever get the opportunity of doing this to me again, and because of that, I got the drive to win

The first time I killed someone in the war was due to self defence. I was either going to be me or him.

I remember his astonished look, the guy that I first killed, when my sword slashed his throat.

I'm sure he didn't expect such a blow from little harmless me.

That was the first mistake he did.

He seemed me harmless and a weak link.

The last thing he saw was the tip of my sword plunging into his eye balls.

A bit gory and cruel, I know but.. you can't blame me.

I... I've gone through so much that it's come to a point where I no longer know or understand what I feel.

Whenever I slit someone's throat with my sword, or blow someone's brains out with my gun or strangle someone to death with my arms, I feel a certain thrill now.

It's not normal. I know but that's the path that I've been pushed to take.

I watched as my humanity slowly began to vanish little by little until finally,it may have seemed to disappear.

I'm not proud of who I've become right now but that's because I don't have a choice.

That's what I tell myself nowadays.

I don't have a choice. I've never had d a choice.

I will never have a choice and I need to fucking accept that otherwise ,they will look for ways to break me and tear me down again and again.

I always tried to imagine how life would have played out if I was normal.

Maybe I would have had friends and we would have played dress up and other weird shit.

Maybe I would have gone to prom, had a teenage crush . Maybe I would have fallen in love then have my heart broken.

I'd get a dog after then move on .