Anuj's claim to affection (A Karna-Arjun what-if story)

The lowest of all lows

Arjun's pov

Arjun only concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other in the walk to the podium. Through his hazed gaze, he could see only disappointment.

The disappointment on Gurudev's face. The disappointment on Bheem's face and the twins'. The disappointment on Pitamah's face. The disappointment on Uncle Vidur's face.

The jeers of the crowd. The laughs of his cousins. The triumphant smile of the King of Anga's.

All his life he had seen only admiration when people looked at him. It had raised the standards to such level that the bump back to earth was intolerable.

He had never been so humiliated in his whole life. 

On the stairs leading to the podium, the ground spun alarmingly. Pitamah caught his arm to steady him.

After that, Arjun exerted all efforts not to pass out. If he passed out, it would be still more humiliating--if that was even possible.

But if he passed out, at least he would not be conscious to face it...

On the podium, meeting Guru Drona's gaze was inevitable. It was the worst moment of the day so far. Gurudev looked more pained than disappointed. 

Arjun wondered if he was pained at being let down in front of the kingdom.

But then he gave Arjun a small nod of encouragement. You are still my favourite student, it seemed to say.

It made him feel worse.

"To think we bothered about wishing Karna luck," Duryodhan said boisterously.

Dussashan slapped Karna on the shoulder, sniggering. 

"It was hardly a satisfying victory, however," Karna said, and turned to Arjun. "You ruined its entire potential, Arjun." 

Duryodhan and Dussashan's laughs went still more mocking. The King of Anga was not laughing; he genuinely looked inquisitive.

But Arjun had no idea why he had messed up. No justification, no defense.

He had come in with the preparation to give a fight--and he had been unable to. It was not like he had consciously decided and not given a fight. 

Every arrow he had shot had been with the intention of intercepting his opponent's arrows or to disarm him. Why had none of them been on target? Every swerve of his had been with the intention to escape his opponent's arrows' trajectories. Why had he swerved into their trajectories?

He hardly deserved to hold his bow anymore. But it was the only thing he had to hold on to.

Maybe someday his bow would forgive him for this.

"Warriors do not cry upon defeat, brother," said Duryodhan in a derisive tone. "You are certainly doing your best to humiliate Gurudev today."

Which made Arjun realize he was crying. Another thing about which he had no idea why.

Pitamah called Karna and Arjun forward.

Uncle Dhritarashtra spoke. "The victor of the contest was undoubtedly the King of Anga, son of Adhirath and Radha, Karna. On the behalf of Hastinapur, I apologize for our treatment of the King of Anga's abilities a year ago--"

Karna looked a mix of uncomfortable and pleased.

"--when Guru Drona had declared our Prince, my nephew Arjun as the best archer of the kingdom--"

In the end, Arjun concluded that the reason his tears would not relent was the realization that his best efforts had all been for nothing.

His big brother still looked at no one with as much unbridled hatred as he looked at him.