I want you to help me live (levi x reader)

I want you to help me live

You were sitting on the floor of your bedroom, your back leaned against the wall. It was cold, freezing night air streaming in from the wide open window. You couldn't remember how long it had been open or when it got so dark.

To be fair, you couldn't remember much these days. All coherent thoughts got lost in the constant fog that clouded your brain.

Not much helped. The few things that helped all tended to be on the self destructive side. Judging from the looks of your room and well, your body, you had been indulging in a couple of those bad coping mechanisms this evening.

God you felt so dizzy. Your pale hands shook as you mechanically put the blade that you were holding between your fingers against your arm for what was looking like at the least the twentiest time. Not like anybody was counting though.

The second the cool metal made contact with your skin, your hand steadied, and in a swift motion, you dragged it over your arm. It took a moment for the blood to show.Almost mesmerized you watched the red liquid form little droplets that grew and grew, until they merged with the thin streams of chrimson that were running down your wrist from the previous cuts.

It wasn't even that much blood, you knew full well you could do a lot worse if you let yourself, but you weren't that stupid. This was not about causing yourself serious harm or even death, it was just a way to calm the fuck down.

A big sigh escaped your lips as you let the blade fall from your hand and leaned your head back into the wall. You wondered why you were so nauseous. There was a half empty bottle of vodka on the floor next to you. Oh. That explains it at least. Fuck. Had you really drank all of this alone? Had the bottle still been full when you started? You couldn't tell.

'Stupid. Pathetic. Look what you've done to yourself again you worthless piece of shit.' you whispered to yourself. Just a manifestation of the thoughts that went around your head pretty much any second of your life. It had been especially bad lately though.

You vaguely remembered a fight with Levi about how you should get help for your depression. What astatement coming from the man with the icy facade who didn't let anybody ever see him or his true feelings. Except you, sometimes at least.

A few times you managed to pry some of his secrets out of him, even though the answers were always short and drenched in sarcasm.

He was different with you though,softer somehow. When he was his usual grumpy snarky self with you, it wasn't in a mean way. When he went too far and your anxious self took one of his comments personally, he always realized, and always apologized. That's what you loved about him.

He saw you, got you in a way that nobody ever did.

But still, you struggled to open up to him, afraid that he would realize how fucked in the head you really were and leave like everyone eventually did.

He didn't know about the self harm though. You always made sure to wear long sleeves, and you weren't intimate with each other yet, or ever (Levi didn't seem like he was particularly interested in sex and you weren't either, your relationship wasn't based on that at all)
Of course he pieced somethings together himself, he was smart and attentive like that and you weren't exactly the picture of good mental health.

Not leaving your bed for days, wasting away watching mindless tv shows, barely showering, your room being a mess...all of that didn't scream 'I am doing fine.'

Even though you repeated that phrase so  many times it was almost comical. And then a few days ago he got fed up with it. He came over and you refused to leave your appartment,like so many times before.