The Less I Know The Better [complete]

38 ;; christmas

"No, no, 's okay. Don't want you to catch anythin'. You don't need to be sick during Christmas either." He forced a chuckle.

"Yeah. True." He sighed again. He heard shuffling and voices calling his name in the background, making him huff in annoyance and yell "coming!" before addressing John again. "Sorry, gotta go. Sucks that you couldn't come, but I'll see you later. Soon as you're better, alright?"

"Yeah." John ground out, wincing at how strained he sounded. Paul probably could notice that something more was off with him, but he quickly got out a "have a nice Christmas," before slamming the phone down on the receiver a bit harder than was necessary. Fucking hell, he cursed inwardly, burying his face in his hands.
He hated blowing Paul off like that, but he knew it was necessary. He couldn't face Paul after what he'd discovered a few days before when they were together at George's house. Discovering that he was falling in love with him, knowing that their relationship was doomed to end eventually - knowing that he couldn't trap Paul with him forever, stopping him from seeing more of life or finding someone much better suited (after all, they'd really disliked each other at first, and said some really hateful and damaging things during that period. That can't ever be a good start to a relationship)... and knowing that the chances that Paul felt as strongly as him were slim to none. He couldn't delude himself into believing that he does. If he got the answer he hadn't hoped for, then it would break him so badly he wouldn't know how to piece himself together. He already felt like so many people had abandoned him, from his father to his mother to his old friends who ditched him the moment he became friends with George and Paul (he tried not to feel too upset about that, since half of them had been dickheads anyway, but the voices in his head hissed well aimed 'told you so's when they finally dropped him and had tried to convince him that it was his fault).. if he found out that Paul didn't love him back, then the insecurities that he tried desperately to hide away from everyone would get louder and louder and it would be all his fault, that he wasn't the type of person people could love. He was just purely unloveable, and Paul couldn't be blamed for not feeling for him in the way that John did for him. After all, his parents hadn't loved him enough to stay.. and the raven-haired boy was so unfailingly kind about those kinds of things. He could see it now: his eyes would glaze over with pity and he'd say something like 'I'm sorry' and 'It's not your fault' or some bullshit like that. That would be worse than disgust or anger.

So, he decided - instead of having to deal with the anguish of rejection, he would avoid the whole thing entirely. It was better than having to face it head on. To face the possibility that he was a passing attraction, that he wasn't good enough to be loved by someone as beautiful and talented and funny as Paul.
He knew that he couldn't avoid it forever. He didn't want to avoid Paul forever, he didn't want to hurt him by giving him the silent treatment - he'd gotten so used to his presence that it would be too hard to be without him for too long. But for now, wrestling with his new realisations and preparing his walls and protection for the moment when Paul would have to reject him - he had to do that by himself. He felt much too vulnerable to be around the boy he found he was beginning to love. The force of his emotions would be so strong that looking at Paul's face, at his droopy hazel-green doe eyes and his plump lips usually pulled up in a smile when he focused on him, he would just break down. He wouldn't be able to stand being in his presence. So, for now - he was going to avoid Paul as much as he could. He had to.

After the call, he made his way into the kitchen in order to talk to Mimi. She was fussing about with the vegetables that she was preparing, presumably to bake, and looked up when he appeared in the doorway.

"Ah, John, there you are. Could you help me cut up these potatoes, please? I'm doing the carrots right now, but I would like to get these ready to go before I have to clean the house and prepare the table and-"