ONE LAST CHANCE!

Same Old Love!

Same old love!

The night from the rooftop feels safe. Nothing changes, all my nights are the same but the nights from the rooftop are much better than the ones I have in my room. At least, the voices of my father screaming at my mother for something that is not her fault aren't audible. I feel safe and better here, more because it helps me clear my mind. I know my mother will never leave my father for his transgressions and I cannot do anything about it which makes my life look worse than it already is. I have been here for quite a long time, so I guess I should go back now. My mother made bacon today and I could not eat it. The worst part of domestic fights is that sometimes you have to skip the best meals. The meals that you enjoy. Never mind, I will probably eat the leftovers tomorrow, tonight feels drastic! As I walk back slowly to my tiny room, I look for my father first because if he finds out that I was on the rooftop at 1 in the morning, he will blame me for all the things that I never did, that I am not, which includes making out with boys, gazing chaps, duh! Things like this always made me loathe him, he never treated me or my mother right. I mean what type of a man calls his daughter a hoe for smiling at a kid? The good thing right now is that he is drunk and asleep in his room. I have always seen him like this, sober in the morning, wild and drunk at night, and insane all the time.

I looked next for my mother, she was washing dishes in the kitchen. I wonder what happened between them today because my mother never let me be around them while they were in a fight. She always pushed me away so it doesn't influence me. Part of me wanted to ask her if she is okay but I already knew her reply, "Yes, I am Silvy, come to have your dinner!" Although I wanted to eat, I didn't wish to speak to anyone." Some nights are just like this, vacant yet heavy! 

So I walk back to my room and open my laptop. There are some pending messages from Max that I will not open, for now, I don't know if it would bother him since he only replies to my text at night which is weird. I understand he is busy but I don't know if he could at least give me some assurance that he is still there. I open my laptop to rewatch friends but I guess I love him a little too much. After ignoring him for straight 10 minutes, I tap on his text. His message read, "Hey, I'm sorry, I was with the boys!"

Well, this was nothing new, he is always with the boys roaming around to the parties but never with me. I sigh with aversion but I have to be normal. He promised he will make everything right, I have to be normal. I reminded myself of these lines before typing anything.

"Hey, never mind, how was your day?" 

"Pretty tiring. Alex threw a party today and it was crazy like hell, you should have been there." He said even after knowing my family's conditions.

"You know, my father doesn't allow it!"

"Your father always acts like a Cade man!" He replied with some laughing emojis. I don't know what to laugh about. Sometimes he behaves so bluntly that he makes me question my decision. I still don't know if giving him the second chance was right, he has already betrayed me once with Scarlet, and I don't know if he would do it again. But, my love for him is so much that I forgave his transgressing deception like it was not a big deal. However, I have made up my mind now. One more fuck and I will leave him forever.

I again sighed with aversion and replied, "I don't have much of a choice now."

"Yeah well, I'm a Lil sleepy, see ya tom!"

"But you just texted me?" I typed furiously but he logged out. 

Wow, this human never fails to disappoint me. Although I promised myself to stay calm and not taunt him about our past, what do I do about our present situation now? He has been out all day and now he wouldn't even ask me how I am doing. Does he love me? I guess I'll never know. My love life is more complicated than my family life, this life sucks! I have had a very rough night, I just don't think I have the energy to overthink tonight. All I want to do for now is to hear some Taylor Swift songs and sleep. I played just another picture to burn but then I imagined Max smiling at me when he first saw me and thought that he is too cute to be ignored like that. I immediately played teardrops on my guitar and my imagination sauntered to the face of scarlet, that bitch will never leave me alone I guess. I switched to exile and it kind of placated me, I don't know why it should not! Max still loves me right? He said he will make everything right. I am still his homeland then why would this song subdue me? I was desperately looking for answers in my head but perhaps my vision is blurred by love. In the quest of looking for answers, I missed the best lines. Duh… I replayed the song again and then I let my playlist do the other work. As the songs played I started crying cause my playlist is quite depressing. And I cried too much for the night, it took me zero instants to switch to Eminem's beautiful. C'mon this doesn't feel like healing. It's already 3 and I'm not sleeping, I need to. When songs ceased to help my sauntering head, I decided to put my heart's weight on the paper. I got up from the bed and walked toward my study table, grabbed a one-direction printed diary, and sat beside the window. The moon looks pretty today! I looked at it and then at the empty page. Max's face flashed in front of my eyes and I started writing something. After scribbling for a while, I again read what I wrote a few minutes ago. My words suddenly jabbed my heart into pieces. My words read I was looking for answers in my head, I found nothing but haze. Perhaps, my vision is blurred by the idea of 'us'. Even after feeling all the hurt, I still call it love. Am I doing anything wrong? Why am I never enough?

 I suddenly realized a lot of things. However, I didn't need it. It's just my overthinking. That's why I don't like writing, it increases my undue overthinking. I kept my copy aside and figured out that nothing was helping me tonight. Nevertheless, I was doing everything to put my anxiety aside. My legs haven't stopped shivering since my father started yelling for not finding his favorite yellow pillow. I again looked at the moon but my mind was diverted by the light of the room of the house adjacent to Rebekah's. The window was shut but the shadow of a boy was visible. I thought that the house was abandoned. It was vacant for a very long time. I wonder why he is glaring outside the window when it is still closed. I glared at him but his shadow disappeared after a few minutes. This place is strange, I feel the world is strange. We all are doing things that we don't like, don't understand, and things that don't make sense, but still we are doing them just for the sake of living another day, or to feed our bogus pride. I took a deep breath and grabbed my copy and pen again.

I penned this thought and a few more lines. And finally, my feet were not shivering anymore. I was at peace, not because I forgot what I dealt with today but because I thought that maybe someday it will all be okay and I don't have to cry to sleep.

I looked at the moon again and when I woke up I realized that I was asleep. Damn, I slept while sitting. My anxiety really makes me do strange things! It's already 5 in the morning and I have to get ready for school. Max was sleepy last night. Maybe he could seek some time for me today. Even if he could not, maybe I could see him today. He will come to the English class, I will see his breathtaking smile then. Falling in love can fuck you up this badly! I was crying last night because of him and here I am willing to see him again. Never mind, anything for him!

I stood to freshen up and also I have to go to the mall with my mother. It's been a long time since we haven't swapped any clothes. Unlike last night, today was hopeful!