The Last Wondering

Chapter 06

I heard people talking. Gusto kong gumalaw at sabihin na huwag sila maingay, but I'm also exhausted that even opening my mouth and eyes is a struggle. So I just let myself listen to their conversation.

"I'm also a nurse," a woman said. "Ako na ang bahala."

"Pang-apat na beses niya na 'yan," I heard another voice say. "Nasabihan ko na siya na magpatingin sa doctor noon. Kailangan niya talaga."

"Kakausapin ko."

"That's better, dahil mas makikinig siya sa kakilala niya." May sinasabi pa ang babae pero hindi ko na marinig dahil palayo ang boses nila. I suddenly felt curious about who was talking. So I opened my eyes and a white ceiling unfolded before me. I looked around but there were just curtains surrounding me and I was in a white bed.

Nasa… nasaan ako?

Paano ako nakapunta dito!?

I was trying to recall what happened earlier when the curtains opened. Iniluwa nito si nurse Jane. Wait… what?

Nasa hospital ba ako!?

"Gising ka na pala," she said, then she sat on the edge of the bed.

"W-what happened?" I asked. All I remember is I'm talking to Arya, then I walk out and then… I'm here, in the freaking hospital. "Bakit po ako nasa hospital?" I asked.

"Nahimatay ka," she said. My lips parted. "At wala ka sa hospital."

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil wala pala ako sa hospital. Then I froze. "Then nasaan—"

"Nasa clinic ka, sa school n'yo."

I nodded. At least I'm not in the hospital. But I was walking early. "May nakakaalam po ba na nandito ako?" I asked. I mean, for sure, my schoolmates don't really care, but I don't want people who know me to know.

"Dinala ka dito ng dalawang student pero umalis din sila kasi may klase pa raw sila."

Tumango ako. I should thank whoever they are. I asked her, "Sila lang po ba nakakaalam?" To make sure that Arya and Snow didn't know. I don't want them to feel bad, or anything. And more importantly, I don't want them to question me. I'm tired of being questioned like a prisoner.

"Yes and me. The clinic called me, apparently wala kang contact info dito. Buti na lang walang password ang phone mo at nakita ang number ko," she said, handling my phone.

"Okay po. Thank you, " I awkwardly said because we're not really close. We hardly even knew each other. All she knew about me was that I was a twenty-year-old girl who was not that tall, who had dark straight black hair, hazel brown eyes, and pale skin, with a blood type of B positive and with leukemia. In short, she just knew my appearance and my disease. And that's not some information that would give her a sudden responsibility to look after me—to be here at my school. But still, she came in her scrubs. And I appreciated that.

"No worries," she said, smiling, but despite her smile, I could see how she was worried and pitied me. I didn't want to recognize that, so I averted my gaze. I quite like her, but definitely not how she looks at me.

After a few seconds she cleared her throat; that's why I looked back at her. "This is not the first time you passed out," she said. "You should see a specialist."

"I already did," I said, quietly. That is how and why I came to meet her.

There was a time when I went straight to campus after helping my mama with her job. I initially believed that I was just tired from cleaning—that's why I fainted. But then it happened again. The nurse advised me that I should go to the hospital, so I did.

The doctor said I need to do some blood tests. That actually raised my suspicions because I'm just tired, so why was a blood test suddenly necessary?

Nonetheless, I did the test. Nurse Jane assisted me with that. They then asked me to take another test. I thought it was just nothing. So I waited for a few days before they finally called me. I can still picture how uneasy the doctor was while looking at me. I wanted to ask him what's wrong because he's making me anxious. But before I could even ask, he said, "I'm sorry." That is when I realized how serious the situation was. That whatever he will say might be the end of me.

And it sure feels like it ended me.

Because after that I'm just pretending I'm living, like life didn't just happen.

"What happened with the specialist?" She asked. I looked down. It felt like it was just yesterday. The doctor referred me to a good specialist. And as someone who wanted to get better, pumunta ako. But when it was my time to enter, I got a call from mama. She just told me she lost one of her big clients. And she liked that specific family, but they're going to immigrate to another country, so they were selling their house. It's sad. Even if I couldn't see mama that time, I knew she's sad, I could feel it in her voice. Knowing how she was, I immediately bailed out of my schedule and chose to go to her. The money I would supposedly use for the specialist was used to make my mother better. And I have no regrets. Mamamatay na rin naman ako, might as well be with her, right?

I smiled at Nurse Jane. "I didn't push through it."

She sighed heavily. "I'm not a doctor, Jazel. Pero kailangan mo ng treatment, as fast as possible."

I also sighed. She looks so stressed because of me, but she doesn't have to; it's my choice. "Look, Nurse Jane, I really appreciate your concern but I will not get treatment."

I don't have the money, anyway.

"Ano bang problema?" She asked. I stared at her. Wondering if I should say it or not. "Common on, Jazel. Anong problema?"

I just remained silent for a few minutes. Before I finally pushed myself to say it.

"Wala akong pera para sa treatment," I said, finally letting it out of my mouth. I watched how her face remained the same. She expected it. She's not surprised or anything. She's just… feeling sympathy and worried. The expression she always has when she sees me.

"I can help you with that."

"How? You said it yourself, it will cost a lot."

"There are programs," she said. "Program for cancer patients. You can get financial assistance."

"H-how can I apply?"

"Nag research ako. Message ko na lang sayo. Pero bago 'yon kailangan mo muna pumunta sa specialist para sa plan of treatment. Kasi 'yung mga sinabi ko sayo noon, that's just the typical process."

I nodded. I should try, right?