Sweet Pacific Breezes (Provincia de Marina Series #4)

Kabanata 16

Kabanata 16

Sweet Pacific Breezes

I went home, ashamed of how this day turned out. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano ako nakauwi sa bahay at namalayan na lang ang sarili na nakatulala. I've never felt so low. In fact, I've never felt so dejected. How could he insult someone's feelings? How could he doubt what I feel for him? He must have been really a jerk for thinking that I was just there for games—that it's okay for me to play with someone's feelings.

I may be stubborn, mischievous, and sly but I've never played with someone's feelings before. Totoo akong tao. When I want to reject someone, I reject them with the intention of telling them the truth—that I have no plans of meeting them halfway. I never once told them to continue and see how this goes when in the first place, I was sure that I don't want to be with them.

It was just easy to reject someone, especially if you don't want them. Mahirap ba para kay Isidore na sabihin na lang sa akin ang nararamdaman? It hurt more when he insisted that what I feel for him wasn't true and that it was just an illusion I created. It stumped hard on my heart, kasi hindi lang naman damdamin ko ang nasaktan. I was hurt as a person because he treated me like I'm some pest that he needed to get rid of.

I couldn't calm my thoughts that night. And as much as I wanted to rest, my body had a mind of its own. The lights were already out at home but I decided to go out and walk along the shore. Yakap ko ang sarili habang dama ang malamig na simoy ng hangin. On nights like this, I prefer to be in the company of the ocean rather than staying in my four-walled room. I could have ignored everything that happened today but I took it to heart. If it was the Cleora that hated Isidore, she would have ignored his words. She would be stuck in front of her computer, finishing her tasks for the day.

It felt exhausting.

This is the first time that I thought of not coming to work for tomorrow. Pero naisip ko na hindi naman si Isidore ang dahilan kung bakit ako nanatili roon. Nowadays, I felt more comfortable with Isidore around only to realize that I'm not there for him. I was there for Ira. I was blinded by the attraction that I feel.

Galit lang ako kasi hindi ko nakuha ang sagot na gusto kong matanggap. Surely, it would feel satisfying if he had admitted that he has feelings for me, too. And it would be easy for me. Kung wala nga siyang nararamdaman sa akin, bakit kailangan niyang sundin ang gusto ko? Why would he make me feel comfortable around him, that it almost felt like he wants me to stay with him?

He was frustrating. Iyong tipong kailangan kong sukuan agad kasi alam kong magmamatigas pa rin. But I was born getting everything that I want and I wanted him. Na sa kabila ng pagtulak niya sa akin ay hahanapin ko pa rin ang totoo niyang sagot. I don't want to believe that he was still in love with her. Para sa akin,  wala na siyang nararamdaman para sa dati niyang mahal. He was just staying in that illusion because he didn't want to fall in love anymore.

He's just afraid of falling in love. Pero sino ba namang hindi? Finding the right person to love is not easy and it's scary to fall in love with the wrong person. Hindi rin madaling mag-desisyon na putulin ang nararamdaman. You'll think about all the years you've spent trying to invest in that relationship. You'll think of all the possible reasons to stay or reasons to leave.

Napatawa ako sa sarili. I just like him and he made a big deal out of it, na para bang tinutulak ko siyang magkagusto sa akin. I admit, I did try that but he was resisting yet he's willing to play my game. At nang tinotoo ko na, siya naman itong todo tulak at tanggi sa akin.

I haven't slept a wink but I tried to come to work on my usual time. Naroon na si Ricky sa reception at nag-aayos ng kaniyang desk. He welcomed me with his warm smile while I just waved a hand. Hindi muna ako dumaan sa opisina ni Isidore kasi wala rin naman akong dadatnan doon. I went straight to the pool, changed into my wetsuit and joined Ira in her morning routine.