a glimpse in my shoes

growing pains

i was the cat

they were the mouse.

they enjoyed the chase

but they couldn't say it to my face.

i didn't think anything of it when i would wave the flags down

but what ended up happening is i always looked like the clown.

when i pounced with all my love and care

they would escape because they never wanted to share.

my heart was open and filled with much love

but every time i approached them i felt a shove.

i would end up feeling the ground beneath me

seconds later i would be greeted by a bee.

i'd get stung as my warning sign

i thought nothing of it, i knew i'd be fine.

i got back up and i continued to run

but to tell you the truth it was not fun.

in every one of them i could see the parts that needed healing

so i wanted to be the one to fix it because I know that feeling.

the race would end where i'm lying on my bed

the tears wouldn't stop falling as they continued to shed.

my whole life i have had so much love to give

but i always thought my life was not worth it, the idea to live.

i lacked the love i gave to everyone since I was a kid

why didn't i ever get the bid?

my last heartbreak i chased for so long

i wish someone would've told me that it was wrong.

beautiful woman, there should be no reason to chase

if they really love you then that wouldn't have to be the case.

as you shattered my heart in a million pieces

my face started getting more creases.

you were my last strike to send me home

that is when my mind started to roam.

i am not an idiot for letting myself up so easily

i just didn't know what it was that would guide me through life peacefully.

as i begin to uncover the truth behind my thinking

the love i had for the chase began shrinking.

my whole life i have been called selfish for my deeds

they kept planting inside my mind bad seeds.

it is my time now to sit back and relax

to take time in filling all of my cracks.

i don't care what anyone has to say

everything i do, it will go my way.

for years i put aside the selfish side of me that could never be seen

i now see the power that it gives me to water my grass and make it green.

each one that comes my way might give me praise

but that's not enough as they will get lost in my maze.

no man is worthy of getting a piece of my heart

as too many have come along and took nearly every part.

i look out into this world and the society we live in

hook up culture is normalized and now has been built-in.

i didn't respect myself or my body

that's why i was so quick to give myself up to somebody.

i stood in the shower and gave myself a pop quiz

i realized maybe for the rest of my life i want to be addressed as "Ms."

i had to come to a consensus of the truth

i couldn't keep allowing men to come to my kissing booth.

and not just the booth, but behind the scenes too

where i would let them access my body and get the full view.

after losing you i thought that i knew

going after more and more was what i was supposed to do.

i kept looking for the same feeling i felt with you

but in reality i would find nothing as those feelings I had weren't true.

i worried for myself as each one came in

i felt no sexual desire so i never got a win.

during the shower when i took the pop quiz

my mind started crashing and my brain felt like fizz.

i realized i am not the same girl who could open up her doors

for any man out there to experience her shore.

in this time we live in many might laugh at celibacy

but the idea of keeping your mind, body, and soul to yourself creates a feeling of delicacy.

let it be years that i explore myself and this world with no man to fulfill my desires

it's okay for my shore to get a little dryer.

if i have to walk this earth by myself and alone

so be it, i will keep getting closer to my independent throne.

where i will sit on the silver, gold, and rubies

as i guide everyone else to partake in their duties.

for i will not settle for the society standard of needing to find true love with another

why would i waste that much time, energy, and love into another man, unless it is my father?

we fade away from the truth that the only love you need

is the one you find within yourself because when you do this, you are freed.