Ace of Hearts

For You, I Always Would

Anything for you, Leni would always say to Risa. She said it when she lent her jacket to her on the way to Dinagat, when her friends had invited Risa to join them for dinner when they were in Naga, and many other times throughout the course of their "relationship". She kept her promise even after the divorce. Even after they stopped talking and ended whatever went on between them. Looking out for her from afar, respecting her distance because someone else did the things she used to do with her. She never initiated conversations even when she wanted to, never reached further than she was supposed to.

It was a vow she kept, a vow she held on to no matter how selfless it was, how painful for her it was. Anything for Risa except that which would truly make her happy. So she'd much rather give her anything else.

But that was years ago.

That was when things were messy. When they were married then divorced, and then middle of a campaign. All that confusion and anguish, pushing and pulling, so much giving and taking. That was when everything was chaos and there were only fleeting instances of peace. Things were different now.

Leni knew that. Which was why she stood there gratified and proud. This glow to her — the love and happiness that she had always embodied — shining brighter than ever. She glanced at Risa from over her shoulder and saw the bright smile on her wife's lips. She smiled back at her.

Anything for you, including this. I'm so, so happy I can finally give you this.

"I've done speeches across the world na dapat hindi na ako kinakabahan bago magsalita pero sa totoo lang, look at me, a flustered mess. Nakakakaba pala talaga 'to. Saka hindi ko naman napaghandaan. Pero iba kasi kapag gan'to na 'yung usapan. This is the first time I'm talking about Risa and I, and our relationship, sa harap ng maraming tao so pagtyagaan niyo na lang."

Leni held the microphone in her hands, shifting her weight from one foot to another. She laughed nervously, trying to calm her nerves down so she could deliver her speech properly.

"Alam niyong lahat na it was never my plan to love again. Wala sa mga plano ko na pumasok ng isang romantic relationship ulit, gustuhin na may makasamang isang tao sa buhay ko kasi para sa'kin, I had everything that I could ever want. Tapos dumating sa buhay ko si Risa. I've known her a long time at gaya ng sabi ni Kiko, kumares daw. Totoo naman. Hanggang sa umabot sa point na gusto namin maging higit pa doon."

Her vow to Risa that she would give her anything, do anything, was now a remnant of their eventful past. A remnant of what once was a beautiful thing that was shattered into pieces, locked in a room, which in their words, had no entrances nor exits.

"We haven't been together for a long time. One year pa lang, actually. But in truth, I've loved her for longer than that. We've had our fair share of trials and tribulations even before we were in a relationship. Syempre, malaking factor 'yung kinatatayuan namin sa buhay. Alam naman namin, umpisa pa lang, na hindi kami pwede. But like any person in love, we hoped."

She chuckled at the crowd who listened to her speech intently. "We hoped that there would come a time na hindi na namin kailangan pumili ng bagay na bibitawan — kung 'yung isa't isa ba o 'yung ibang mga bagay na mayro'n kami. Na hindi namin kailangang matakot sa nararamdaman namin o sa consequences ng pag-act upon dito. I remember us telling each other that we hoped to find our chance to love freely, no matter how late in life that would be."

Leni stepped closer to her wife, opening her hand out for Risa to hold, just like the latter did earlier. She held it tightly before turning back to the people in front of her. The same people who fought the good fight with her. The same people who rallied behind her and with her.

"There are a lot of things I hoped for then. Manalo sa eleksyon, matanggap 'yung fellowship application ko sa Harvard, maging successful ang Angat Buhay, at marami pang iba." She had shared this with them before the elections. What her hopes were for their campaign, her plans for the country, the things she wished to accomplish in life whether she wins or not. But this was the first time she could tell them about her other hope. The hope that towered above the others.

"Among those was the hope that Risa and I would be able to start all over again and live the way we've always wanted to. With each other."

If, years ago, that promise was all she could do to express her love, such wasn't the case anymore. Now, she could do so much more than that.

Now, she didn't have to ask her to stay the night, then wonder what would happen when she'd wake up next to her the following day. No more second guessing, fear of getting caught, or letting herself feel just so she wouldn't regret things by the end. Now, she could fall asleep in her arms, unafraid. She could ask her out on dates, bake cookies with her in the kitchen, dance around with her anywhere like silly little children without the need to hold back. They could go to places they've never been to before or revisit the locations smeared with agony just so they could rewrite those memories.

"How lucky am I that the new beginning for us was included in those that came true? 'Di bale nang natalo sa eleksyon, panalo naman ako dito," Leni gestured to her wife and laughed. Risa rolled her eyes playfully, the evident blush on her cheeks exposing her true sentiments about Leni's remark.

"Gaano man kasakit, kahirap, trust me when I say, I would do all of it again, go through all of it again, if it means getting to live the rest of my life with you."

Leni would do anything for Risa. Anything at all. Anything, but most especially this.

"Sa mga speech ko before, parati kong sinasabi na ang tunay na pagmamahal ay nasusukat sa pagtitiis. Nasusukat  sa kahandaang lumaban at sa kagustuhang maging malaya. Now that I'm here, standing before you today, married to the woman I love, masaya akong tapos na kami sa pagtitiis. Tapos na kaming lumaban para maging malaya."

This was it. They were here. Leni was here — proud that she can finally get to call Risa her wife. Proud that she no longer lived with the scars of the past nor with too much hope, but with contentment. Proud that finally, finally, she could give Risa that which she had truly wanted from the very beginning.

"Ngayon, I can love Risa the way I've always wanted to. Hold her hand when I want to, tell her I love her when I want to, watch our kids grow up together, travel, go wherever we want. We can make mistakes along the way together and not be scared of the consequences. We can live simply, serving the country the best that we could, and loving each other until our days run out."

The vow she made years ago, which she promised underneath the night sky with tears in her eyes and grief in her heart, she wanted to do it again. This time, underneath the bright sky, still with tears in her eyes, but with no less than absolute bliss in her heart.

"I would do anything for you, Risa."

Risa looked up at her as she heard it, images of the first time Leni said it flashed in her mind. Her tear-filled eyes met with Leni's equally tearful ones. She held her wife's hand tighter. Leni breathed shakily but when she opened her mouth to speak, her words came out with finality.

"I'm just glad that this time, anything doesn't mean letting you go."