Lost in the Nightmares of Hope- a Newtmas Fanfic

Can't Let You Go

[timeskip]

"What happens if they don't make it back, Newt?" Thomas asked, his brow furrowing in a way that made Newt's heart clench as he stood with the British boy by the Doors, waiting for Alby and Minho to come back from checking out the supposedly dead Griever.

"They're gonna make it." Newt began to pace, rubbing his hands together nervously and staring towards the sky, honestly trying to ignore Thomas, lest he be distracted yet again by the boy's beautiful stature. "And you bloody know what would shucking happen if they didn't." His voice turned cold as he focused back onto what was important at the moment.

Thomas just stared ahead, clearly wanting to say something more, but he wisely restrained himself after hearing Newt take on the tone he had had with Thomas the past few days. This signaled that he was about to get angry, and Thomas did not really want to see Newt angry.

Right on time, the Doors began their noisy process of shutting for the night. Newt immediately turned and began limping back towards the Homestead, his body shaking with loss and sadness.

Why? Why does this have to happen? Just when I thought things couldn't get any bloody worse!

He collapsed to the ground, overcome with defeat, and he felt tears sting his eyes. Before they had a chance to spill out, he heard Thomas calling his name. Newt whipped his head around and saw, from a distance, two figures, one dragging the other, moving towards the rapidly closing gap.

He jumped to his feet, ignoring the sharp pain in his bad leg, and ran as fast as his limp would allow towards Minho and Alby...and Thomas. When he reached the Doors, he could see that his friends were still more than twenty feet away with only seconds before the gap would seal them in for the night. Newt felt something shatter inside of him as he realized it would be the last time he ever saw them.

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a sudden movement, and then Thomas was leaping towards the now tiny space between the Doors, trying to help the two Gladers to safety. Newt heard alarms going off in his head, telling him he had to stop Tommy. He couldn't lose him too.

There was no time for him to think and scold himself. The blonde boy jumped into action, grabbing for anything to pull Thomas back by, eventually finding the boy's hand and jerking him back only a moment before the Doors finally slammed shut.

Thomas immediately turned on Newt, yanking his hand out of the taller boy's grip. "Why would you do that! I was going to help them!"

"It was too late, Tommy," Newt said without any hint of anger as he looked into Thomas's eyes, trying to drown out the deafening loss he had just sustained. He felt a sudden surge of affection for the boy. One he knew he should push down but decided that just this once, he wouldn't. "I didn't want to lose you too."

"What the heck...I mean shuck is that supposed to mean?" Thomas yelled, still stumbling on the Glader slang. He threw his hands up in exasperation and anger. "First, you act all cold and like you couldn't care less about me, and now all of a sudden you start being all buddy-buddy and sentimental! What the shuck is this!"

That brought Newt back from whatever kind of messed-up mental state he had been in and he tried to cover up what he had revealed. "I just meant I didn't want for anybody else to die for no reason!" But even as he said it, he knew it wasn't true.

"Sure seemed like that's what you meant," Thomas scoffed, still angry. "I could have saved them! I thought you would support that, but apparently I was wrong!"

Newt took a step closer to Thomas, his face reddening, "Don't you ever, you bloody hear me! Don't ever say I don't care about my friends!"

"If you did, you would have let me help them! You would be trying everything you could right now to open those walls and get them out!"

"You don't get it, Tommy." Newt voice softened considerably, and he stepped back from Thomas, turning to stare out across the Glade as he felt new tears burn his eyes. "No one survives a bloody night in the Maze. No one. Especially not a Greenie."

Thomas fell silent, hearing the hurt in Newt's voice, and the Brit felt bad for what he had said, and before he knew what he was doing said with a slight tone of superiority, "You know what, Tommy? You were right. I don't think I would have stopped anyone else from going out there."

"Newt?" he heard Thomas ask cautiously, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder, sending shivers down his spine.

Everything inside told him to stop. Not to say another word. To just get up and walk away. Act like he had the past few months. Forget Tommy. But he didn't.

Some type of animal instinct took over Newt's mind then, pushing out all other thought and reason. As if from a distance, he saw himself turn around rapidly and pull Thomas in by the shirt collar, crashing the Greenie's soft lips into his own. His senses were at an overload: the warmth of Tommy's skin, the smell of campfire, the taste of apples on the other boy's mouth, fireworks exploding behind his closed eyes, the sounds of his better judgment telling his to stop.

Before the boy could really understand what was happening, though, Newt regained control of himself and pushed Thomas away forcefully, sending him stumbling back a few steps. He turned and ran, horrified with what he had done, ignoring Thomas's lost cries for him as he felt tears spill over and run down his face.

He ran deep into the Deadheads, and, finally collapsing beneath a large tree, silent sobs began to wrack his somewhat frail frame.

Why? Why, you shucking idiot, would you do that! How can you pretend now that you don't care? That nothing's changed? How could you have done this?

Anger ate away at him as he lay there in the woods, thinking of the hard days ahead of him, both because of Minho and Alby and because of Tommy. He wished now more than ever that he would have died when he jumped. Despite everything he was feeling: all of the rage and sadness, Newt fell asleep that night thinking of how right it had felt to have Tommy's lips on his. If only he could do it again...

Ahhhh...sorry for the long wait!!!! Please don't kill me! But I wrote a long chapter to make up for it...and I finally provided you with some Newtmas! I don't really know how I feel about this chapter, though. I am proud of it, but I feel like it's messy, rushed, and kinda not very good. So if you guys could leave some feedback that'd be awesome! Also thank you so, so much for over 100 reads! Okay, so it's only 103; I don't care. Anyways, love you all! I'll update likely later this week. Goodnight/afternoon/morning/evening/whenever it happens to be.

-red7717