Miles apart (Man × Man) ✔

38) r u e d

She's gone.

The realization didn't hit Ash immediately after the call. It was an early morning and he had gotten up before Miles to make breakfast for him. Ash had talked with his dad for a while and then continued preparing the breakfast. That was the last blessed moment of numbness, of hoping last night had been a false alarm.

She's never coming back.

When the realization finally hit Ash, he let out a pained groan and hurled a mug and an empty plate from the kitchen counter to the floor. The plate shattered in a satisfying crash, but it wasn't enough. Ash kicked over a chair and then another. The noise woke Miles up and he rushed to the room, gaping at Ash.

The pain Ash was feeling was so tremendous it couldn't be felt. It got stuck in his throat and he doubled over, wanting to scream only to find out his voice was gone. It clamped around his chest, gripping tighter and tighter until he couldn't breathe. He grabbed a salt shaker from the table and smashed it to the floor, then proceeded to take the pepper shaker.

"Stop it, Ash, stop." Miles pleaded and took a cautious step towards Ash. He touched Ash's shoulder, before circling his arms around Ash's trembling body.

"No, don't." Ash snarled, shoving Miles' arms away. Ash flailed, shouting, when Miles embraced him again, but Miles refused to let go.

"Ash, please.." He cried out with a strained voice.

Ash could only hear the humming of his ears, when he shoved Miles away. Everything was one desperate, angry, painful haze inside Ash's head, as he pushed Miles against the door frame and fisted the collar of his shirt. He lifted his clenched fist, ready to strike, no matter who he was going to hurt.

The dread in Miles' eyes, the fear of getting hurt by none else but the love of his life, was what snapped Ash out of the haze. He could feel his eyes filling up with tears and he let go of Miles' shirt and stepped back, horrified of what he was about to do. He would never lay a hand on his loved ones, let alone on Miles.

"She's gone." Ash choked and as he couldn't hear himself, he said it again: "She's gone." Ash sank to his knees and whispered it over and over again like a mantra: "She's gone. She's gone."

She's gone. She's gone. She's gone.

Miles rushed to Ash, sitting on the kitchen floor next to him and embracing him tightly. The only indicator that he was crying as well was the mounting wet spot on Ash's shirt, near his shoulder, where Miles buried his face.

Ash wasn't just shedding silent tears, he was crying, shaking, falling apart. He was free falling and he was afraid of slipping from the real world, getting lost in that unbearable void. He gripped his arms around Miles like it was the only thing keeping him from breaking into millions of pieces.

She's never coming back.

The rest of the day was just bits and pieces in Ash's memory. He vaguely remembered getting to his dad and sitting with him in the kitchen while they took away the body. He remembered Miles making tea and coffee for the visitors, all the aunts and uncles and friends and even some of the neighbors.

Ash remembered feeling grateful for everything he did for them, yet pissed off like he just wanted to be left alone. Preferably with Avi, who also mourned in silence. He didn't want to see his friends, especially not Eli or Benjamin. It took Ash hours to realize it was because he blamed himself — and them — for losing precious time with his mother.

If Ash hadn't been so engrossed with Miles' problems with his dad or the issues Eli was dealing with, maybe he would have realized how bad Eliana had gotten. Maybe then he would have given her proper goodbyes.