The Secret Lives of Fireflies

Pretty Girls and Hospital Visits

               I sighed heavily. "If anyone will get heartbroken, it's Devon. I know Sara means well, but I'm scared that soon it she'll want something and Devon won't be able to give it to her because she's scared, and then Sara will have to decide if she wants Devon or that thing more."

               "What do you think that thing will be?"

               I shrugged. "Devon has a lot of things she's not ready for yet, and she might never be ready for any of it. She's not good at handling her feelings about other people, so I have no idea what will happen."

               "You worry too much about her; you have to trust that she is going to do what's best for her. And maybe it isn't Sara, maybe Sara will want too much and Dev won't be able to be what she wants, but then that would just mean that Sara isn't right for Dev. Whatever happens, it will work out in both of their best interests. Couples that can really last forever don't break up, so if they break up then it wasn't good enough for either of them and Devon will be able to move on to the person who is." Luce was wiping the table down and I was looking away from her, figuring I'd spent too long staring at her.

               "I guess you're right. I just saw the last time when she got hurt and I don't want that to happen again. I was worried that she would never get over Carrie."

               "But she did." Luce pointed a finger at me, "And she'll do it again if she has to. Only one relationship lasts the rest of your life, you can't put all your money on it being Sara yet, it's too soon to tell."

               I groaned and took a drink of my beer. "This whole best friend shit sucks, I'm constantly worried about who's gonna hurt her, it's like a relationship without all the benefits."

               She smiled a little, "You're so caring, Jan. I think it's really wonderful that you want to take such good care of her. You're a total dad."

               Dad?

               I hated that stupid voice in my head. It would pipe in every now and then, pulling up silly ideas that didn't make any sense. Flat chests flashed through my mind, peeing standing up, a little bit of scruff on my face, it all moved so quickly with a face I barely recognized but could tell was my own. It was a strange thing. It had been happening since I was young, but I had gotten much better at ignoring it. But Luce just called me a dad, and for some reason, I couldn't ignore that.

               "Whatever." I rolled my eyes and pretended to be interested in something else.

               I stayed in the bar for another hour or so before I went home.

               I lived alone, my apartment was small but I didn't need much space. It had a small living room, just enough space for a couch, coffee table, and a TV, a tiny kitchen, a bathroom too small for anyone, and a bedroom.

               I dropped my keys on the coffee table and started pulling off my clothes as I walked into the bedroom, dropping them into the hamper. I pulled on a pair of boxers and a loose sweatshirt despite the warm weather we had been having. I never liked being without clothes, I was uncomfortable with it all. I wasn't too fond of my body, I was in shape, in fact I was pretty ripped if I do say so myself. I loved the gym, weights were my thing. But even so, I just wasn't into how I looked. Then again, who was?

               I fell into bed and clasped my hands behind my head.

               Dad.