life is short.

Wanting what i cant have

"You didn't deserve that 😕💙"
I read the text from my phone. In a way it hurt deep down, yet from K it felt relieving. I didn't think a girl could make such an impact on my life. Not a good one at least. I texted her back, "It's fine. Thank you for reaching out." My eyes gleamed as the message said read. I Put the phone down, fighting the urge to pick it up and keep texting her. I wish what i needed would come to me more often. I wish i could want something so bad that it would appear in front of me. A very frivolous wish for sure, yet i want it to be real so bad. However, that's not how real life works. I wanted R to love me again so bad i resorted to higher powers (emphasis on the high part.) Now i can't get K out of my head and i don't know what my life is anymore. It could be worse. I mean i'm only a highschool student. I could be middle aged and living in a shitty apartment with a minimum wage job using half of my rent money for drugs or other "higher powers." All i have as of right now is an empty heart, maybe 1 or 2 close friends, an ex that hates my guts, and a burning craving to jump off a building. my mindset has completely turned on me and it's now a matter of wanting what i can't have. October 10th, 2022. 5:34 pm. I look at myself in the mirror and sigh. An all black outfit and a hell of a reason to leave home and never come back. I look like i'm going to a fucking funeral. I head downstairs where my mom is waiting at the door, phone in hand, waiting to snap pictures she'll probably delete later to clear phone storage. On the way we stop at the corner store on the end of my street. I get a bottle of sprite and a pack of altoids. nothing like the burning flavor of an overly minty mint and the low battery sound of my airpods blaring into my ears, deafening me. Rather be deaf than hear whatever i'll probably hear from R once i get to the school. 6:12 pm. Everyone's starting to get to the school, shiny and sparkly dresses, silky and suede suits, everyone looks great. A bit cliché, but nice. I text S to see if he's coming. Then M. "Nah man sorry i didn't wanna go 2 some lame dance. Text me later and lmk how it went man." Ugh. I'll just have to make do with the very little acquaintances that i have. First J shows up. I know she has at least one or two fireballs in her bag. She basically always does. We sit in the courtyard, isolated and barely lightened by the little to no sun left in the sky drinking them. We had a nice talk me and her. She told me about her parents situation, which i hadn't heard about in such a long time. I told her about some other personal stuff. Nothing worth sharing, just enough to feel equivalent to the mindset of the conversation. It's always nice to catch up with a friend. A friend i very much hurt and left to chase a girl who couldn't give a rats shit about me. I'm sorry J. I'm glad you trust me and forgive me, even if i don't deserve it. We head back to the gym and go our separate ways. 6:32 pm. For a halloween dance, this is some really bad music. Who listens to Justin Bieber and says "Oh yeah this reminds me halloween." No one. And if you do, I hope you're ready for the deepest pit of hell, for it is awaiting you. I'm stuffing my face with the last two couple altoids in the tin when what feels like the hands of a monster grab my shoulders from behind. I turn around to see my friend, We'll call him E. He's one of the close friends i was talking about. He's pretty quiet, but when you get to know him he's very cool. He's my best friend, has a raging "higher power" addiction (lol), and as you can tell, has freakishly large hands. I feel a smile creep across my face. "Hey wassup man" I say laughing a little. "Nothing much man. I got dis girl with me and i was finna get some punch for her but i seen you so you know i had to say wassup." Number one friend right here. "that's wassup man. Aight well i'll catch you later bru. Let me know when you're gonna leave i'll try and tag along." "Aight man, stay safe." He says smiling, as he walks off to be with his girl. I'd give the world for more friends like him. I could use em. 7:28 pm. I'm sitting on the bleachers when i hear very familiar voices. The friend group. Ugh. It's almost like they brought a change in atmosphere. If there's only gonna be one reason i'm happy to see them, it's because K may be lurking around with them. That comes with the cost that R and N are definitely here. What a great way to keep the night going. I excuse myself to the bathroom to keep from any interaction between us. horrible mistake. As i enter the bathroom i see N standing with a large group of people. I try to spin myself back around and avoid even him knowing i was there. Just as i spin around to leave, i hear N in an almost mocking voice, "Look who it is! The man of the hour." He sounds like dad after a long night and a 12 pack of bud light. You've gotta be kidding me. Now you gotta understand, N is maybe a foot taller than me, big (not in a muscular way), blonde hair, weird voice, I have an excuse to want to bash his head into a wall. The group disperses and leaves the bathroom, leaving me and N. "How you feeling bru? Still trying to get her back?" See, I've never been a fighter, But i'm not gonna get bitched around by the yellow tellietubbie that is N standing infront of me. "Ask your mom." I say in a mocking voice. "Don't talk down because she doesn't want you anymore. Two years is a long time. She deserves someone better." "And that's supposed to be you?" Suddenly, The skin around my mouth tightens as N's fist connects to my face. I drop to the floor with a loud thud. "Talk about her again and i'll fucking kill you." He says as he leaves the bathroom. Now i'll admit, it did hurt. Yet, the adrenaline in my body made me feel nothing. I stand up, brush myself off and leave the bathroom. 9:14 pm. I'm sitting on the bleachers, holding an ice pack to my face, scrolling my phone. Tonight's been a bust. Nothing benefits me from tonight, and i didn't even get to see K. An hour earlier, J texted me asking if i need a ride home. I politely declined thinking maybe the night could take a change. Big mistake. It's been boring and pretty painful. I'm trying not to seem like a creep looking over the people still here, yet it's very hard not to be noticed when you're the only one wearing an all black outfit. This was such a dumb idea. There's not even anyone i know here still and i have no ride home. Most of the people i actually know already left and i'm in a predicament where i know nobody at this dance, My cheek area is most likely gonna bruise, and to top it all off, i have no way to get home. I feel the weight of someone else sit next to me as i'm thinking. I'm cut out of my trance to look over beside me. "Hey!" K exclaims. Okay maybe there will be a turn. "Oh hey." I say back, trying to hold back the excitement in my voice. "Whatcha doin?" She asks, a small smile. "Nothing much, this dance is lame, and i don't got a ride, so i'm gonna wait around to see if anyone will take me." "For real? Me too!" Nice. " Damn, that's crazy." "It's fine i mean i was gonna walk. R and her friends forgot me here so i was gonna wait too. Then i saw you here so, you know." "Yeah." "Sorry if this is too much to ask for, but could you walk with me? I don't really feel comfortable walking home myself. Especially in this shiny, itchy ass dress." Thank you god. "Oh of course! Just let me know when you wanna leave." "I was thinking right now? I don't know this dance just wasn't as fun as i thought it was gonna be." "Yeah for real. Well i mean yeah i'm cool with that. Let's go." The clouds have opened up and given me a second chance in just the knick of time. I mean i was really going through it here tonight. And what better way to end the dance off than saying bye to E as i walk through the gym doors with K. As we walk through the night to K's house, We talk and talk more than i've ever really talked to anyone other than R. She moved here when she was 6 because her parents found new jobs here. She was struggling financially when she turned 12 because of covid. Both her parents were excused from their jobs and relied on alcohol to make the problems go away. She stayed in her room for the most part, as that's when she learned how to keep to herself most of the time. Around 13, Her parents got help and earned better, higher paying jobs. She wants to grow up and be a nurse, because her grandpa died in the hospital. She wants to help people, as they all have a family to go home to. She became best friends with R when she got to highschool, because she needed a friend to get her through the first couple of days. She said she's kind, and has a lot of room in her heart. 𝘙𝘰𝘰𝘮 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. She said she didn't know my side of the story when R told her she broke up with me. She didn't know whether to feel bad for me or hate me. I'm glad she doesn't hate me. "So what's your story?" She asks as we round the corner store. "I can't tell you, we'll be here all night." She laughs. "Come on it can't be that bad." "Oh it's bad." I say, a generous smile spreading across my face. I didn't want this to end. She was really listening to me. R made it feel like she knew what i was saying, yet she didn't care enough to actually care. This feels different. She actually cares and wants to know more. My story isn't like a pity gimmick, or a dramatic way to get someone to feel bad. It's just too long, and very pessimistic. "We'll i mean if we're gonna be walking a long way, might as well start now. I'd love to know more about you." She says. I feel my heart melting. I don't know if it makes sense, but she makes me want to tell her. "do you have anything else you wanna talk about?" She asks. "How did you feel when R said we broke up?" "Oh well i mean, it was a shock you know? You guys have been together for so long i thought you'd never break up. Kinda sad now that it's happened. What about you? How are you taking it?" "I don't know i mean it's a mixture of feelings. Sometimes i'm ok that she broke up with me, and sometimes i feel like all i need is her. At some point i just wanted to end it, but you know how that goes." She stops. I stop with her. "I'm really sorry. I didn't know it was like that for you." "It's okay i guess." "Listen i know it's hard, but you'll always have people to talk to. Even me." The way this girl makes me feel. I can't explain with words. I really feel cared for. "Thank you. Really it means a lot to me." I say, holding back the passion in my voice. "of course." She says, smiling. We walk the rest of the way to her house in silence, yet with her hand in mine. "Thank you for walking all this way." She says with a nice smile. "Oh it's no problem, i wanted to walk somewhere nice anyways." "I'd ask you to come in, but my dad will kill me if i bring a boy in this late." "Oh it's okay. I'll just have to meet him some other time." A smile i haven't seen yet spreads across her face, one thats unintelligible. "I guess you will." We stare into each others eyes. She has pretty brown eyes, so deep i could almost swim in them. "alright, well i better get inside." I don't want this to end. I don't want her to leave. It'll just be me in my head again. Should i make a move? She's turning. It's like slow motion to me. I should make a move. No i should not it's too risky. But what if she does feel the same way. But what if she doesn't. Why am i like this. God help me. She's almost gone. What do i do. "Wait.." She turns. Without thinking, i press my lips to hers. She jumps, then closes her eyes. Am i doing this right? Does she like it? God help. She pulls away. "Listen, I like you. I really do, But i can't do this to R. We can talk, just not yet. Until then, keep me in mind." She says, a small smile creeping across her face as she turns around and goes inside. Do i feel happy or sad? Both? My legs feel weak, and wobbly. I start on my way home. I sit on the curb of the corner store once i get there, in my thoughts. She'll take me, just not yet. What does that mean? How long until? I don't know. Maybe i never will. Like i said. It's a matter of wanting what i can't have.