We Didn't Try

I dated him

Just before school ended, he asked me if he could kiss my cheek and I let him. It was sweet. He did it twice. On the last day of school, Shane came up to me and Gabe and said, "Are you guys dating?" I looked at Gabe. In my mind this was so perfect because I wanted him to say yes. I just looked at him and he said, "I don't know. Are we?" I said yes. We started dating from then on, but school closed. I cried on the bus ride home, I'd miss him over the December holidays and I wasn't sure if he would miss me. It seemed he did, we spoke so much over text and he was sweet, he sent so many long paragraphs and he told me he loved me. He told me things about himself, I saw the deeper sides of him and got to know him better. We studied each other. It's a lot to recite coherently, but things weren't bad.

School opened the next year, I wrote him a poem:

"Truth is, my love for you has 20/20 vision, my love sees.
My love sees and knows and wants to see and know everything there is to know and to see.
Truth is, my love would find it all out and remain unwavering.
My love will not leave you in the forefront of danger or when things get hard,
It will not leave you in your anger or on the days when you simply cannot get out of bed.
My love stays and it wants to know everything that goes on inside of your head,
My love stays and it doesn't ask where or why or how,
My love just stays wherever yours is.
And still after anything, my love continues.
My love continues to try and lasso a million suns to make your days brighter, to make your days warmer,
Crafting endless contraptions to witness beautiful stars in the darkest of your nights.
And the truth still is, my love for you has incredible sight,
It sees and loves all of you."

What a waste of a poem.

He paid me no attention. I had no idea why. We broke up. He told me that he had a bad past experience with his ex and he also told me he thinks he's aromantic. It was a lot of ups and downs, I don't think it could have gone smoothly, but we found a dynamic which worked because we still loved each other. He told me that to him, I was more of a best friend.

Eventually, we tackled each other in the library during a card game with our friends and I guess lust caused him to ask me out again. He said, "Do you want to get back together?" I asked him if he was sure, I didn't want him to do something he wasn't comfortable with, but he said he was sure. He wasn't sure. We broke up on Sunday. However, February 14th came around and he kissed me in the boys' bathroom. Everything about him was a stepping stone to my demise, but it was so odd to me how destruction was always exactly seven days apart.

I felt special, I thought he liked me. But he wore green to a traffic light party. Everyone trauma dumps in their English essays, so I did as well.