"James," he'd heard the door open almost at the same moment that he'd heard his name—cracked and desperate. One look at Remus was all he'd needed to know something was very very wrong.
Without thinking James had immediately stepped towards him. "What is it? What's happened?" His voice had come out soft, Remus pale, eyes red-rimmed. Remus did not cry easily.
"It's—he—" but he'd cut himself off, looking frantically at Lily.
"Evans can you give us a minute?" James had asked, not taking his eyes off of Remus.
"Oh—yeah, of course. Just—er—let me know if there's anything I can do okay?"
"I will, and thank you, again," he'd met her eyes briefly as she passed him on her way to the door.
"Fuck James, fuck," Remus said the minute she was gone. "I didn't mean to. I messed it all up. I don't know what to do."
"It's okay, whatever it is it's okay, just sit down alright?" James guided him to the couch while words continued to spill out of his mouth.
"I don't know where he is. I checked the map but I can't find him. I should have followed him but he was so angry with me—" his voice shook and cracked and fell apart, his words unravelling.
"Remus, breathe," James said calmly, placing a steadying hand on his friend's shoulder. "What is it? What's happened?"
Remus shook his head, tears in his eyes again, breaking James's heart. "He knows," he'd whispered, sending something cold down James's spine. "Sirius knows."
Now. Sitting in the Great Hall at Breakfast, Remus silent beside him, Peter glancing nervously between them, Sirius still missing, James has the overwhelming desire to hear his mother's voice. To be held by her. Told what to do. He tried to handle this himself, tried to fix things, and all he's done is make everything worse. He'd done a half-hearted search for Sirius last night but Remus was right, he wasn't on the map, James wasn't sure if he'd gone into town or what. He also wasn't sure what he would do if he found him.
Apologize?
Beg for forgiveness?
Ask for his help?
Look, I know you're angry at me, but your brother is currently in Azkaban and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.
In the end it didn't matter. He couldn't find him.
Remus drops his fork onto the eggs he'd been pushing around his plate for the last fifteen minutes. "I'm gonna go look for him."
"Did you guys have a fight or something?" Peter asks from across the table.
Remus sighs. "Yeah," he runs a hand over his face, voice cracking. "Yeah, we had a fight and I need to just—" James knocks his foot against Remus's under the table, letting him know that he's there.
"I'll come with you."
Remus gives him a watery smile. "I'm not sure if that'll make it better or worse."
"Me either," James says honestly. "But I'm not sure I want you dealing with this alone."
"I'll help too!" Peter pipes up. "Obviously."
James watches Remus send him a wary look. "Listen, Pete—" But James puts a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.
"It's okay, I'm done lying," he tells him, as causally as he can manage while his heart hammers in his chest. "What's the point anymore?" though he still does a quick check with his eyes to make sure no one is sitting near enough to listen in.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Start from the beginning
