The Thoughts That Weren't Suicidal

9 | Bravado

"Go, away, away go, away, away, go." Now I can't speak. I can't do anything. I don't do anything right.

"Adri! Adrianna wait!" Away, go. Go. Go. Go.

"No, Adri. Don't run from me. Don't run so that I can help you." Help. Kris helps.

I collapsed to the ground, clutching my head in pain. Sobs racked through my body and I curled myself into a fetal position. I want everything to go away. I don't want to be here. I never wanted to be here. I didn't ask for them to find me.

"Adri, if you don't want anyone to see you, we have to move. If they see you, then they'll take away. You have to get up." I don't want to go back there. It's not nice in there. I don't want to go back in there.

"Good job Adri. I know a place that we can go, just follow me."

I told you that Kris would be good for us. She could kill me where she's taking me. Then why are you following her? I'd rather die than go back.

Δ

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I preached that statement more than anyone else. Mostly because I use it as an excuse for when I do something stupid or when I do something that I usually wouldn't do.

Like now.

"I can take you home if you'd like." Kris's hand ran through my hair again, as she made her suggestion. I slowly shook my head and wrapped my arms tighter around my body, still trying to stop the shaking. Kris tightened her arm that was around my waist and I saw her nod in the corner of my eye.

We were sitting in one of the classrooms on the far end of the school that isn't being used this year. I didn't ask Kris how she knew about it, I hadn't spoken a word to Kris yet. The only times we had communicated was just now, and when we first came in and Kris asked if it was okay if she sat me on her lap.

The only reason I said yes to the first one was that I needed someone and there was no one else around.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

"Then what do you want to do?" I shrugged against her body immediately, and her gentle laugh filled my ears. I didn't want to think about doing anything. Then I'd start to question why I was here and how if I was normal then I wouldn't have to worry about anything and-

"We could just stay here forever." She suggested in a joking manner, but to that one, I nodded. It was the only good idea that she had so far. Staying in this room meant that I didn't have to face anything until the school decided to use this room again.

I guess that would mean we wouldn't leave to get food either, but I didn't care about that. I didn't care about anything right now.

Kris laughed again and then arranged me so that I was sitting sideways on her lap. I could now see Kris's face and the tears that were streaming down her face. I wiped them away with the back of my hand, and then laid my head in the crook of her neck.

Kris gave a short chuckle and then wrapped both arms around me so that she could rock us back and forth.

"I don't know what it is about you Adri, but I think you're real special. Different." She whispered thoughtfully and then I began to laugh. I began to laugh just like Kris laughed whenever she was laughing at something I said.

"I could say the same about you." I got out in between giggles, and I could feel Kris's eyes on me.

"Really now? Explain." She prompted.

I hummed quietly, staring at the wall. I have never, am not, and will probably never be good at talking about my feelings. Not just because I don't like them, but even when I do want to talk about them, it just turns into a big mess. And when I do want to talk about them, it's exclusively with Cole because he's the only person I could trust not use them against me.

Here I was though. About to talk about them with Kris.

The world was probably about to end too.

"40 percent of the time you confuse me because I don't know how I feel around you. Sometimes I want to fight you, like punch you in the face 10,000 times and then run you over," I paused to check her expression, which was amused, so I continued talking, "and then the other 40 percent of the time you make me feel good, like now. Not happy but...content, you know?" I finished looking up at Kris, and she nodded at me with a small smile.

"And the other 20 percent of the time?"

"That part is indefinitely reserved for when I'm deciding whether to kill myself or not because I feel exceedingly conflicted, sad and miserable. Don't take it personally. The 20 percent is constant with everybody. I don't like people." Which is an understatement most days. I usually really don't like people.

Kris looked up thoughtfully and fell quiet. I don't know if that meant that she was scared, disgusted or all of the above. She probably didn't want to hang out with me anymore. I didn't know why she wanted to hang out with me in the first place.

"Adrianna, where are you going? Stay." She tightened her arms around me and pulled me securely back into her lap. I looked away from her, tapping my fingers on the desk.

"Why'd you get all quiet?" I asked, my eyes darting from object to object to keep my brain thinking.

"Because I was debating whether or not to ask you a question. You just stopped shaking and I didn't want to ask you and then you become overwhelmed again." Oh, how thoughtful of her.

However, I didn't want to address Kris's outward act of kindness towards me right now, so I moved on to something else. I took in my surroundings and then leaned back against Kris.

"How'd you know about this room?" I asked, defaulting to curiosity.

Kris shuffled slightly and then laughed nervously. This made me turn around, and raise an eyebrow at her. This better not be where she has all of the illegal drugs dropped off or all her stalker equipment hidden because I swear that I will do something very illegal to her with some equipment of my own.

"This is where I bring some of my...friends." If she's talking about the friends I think she's talking about, then this is worse than I suspected.

"Friends like the one you were in the closet with?"

"Ah, yeah. Just like those kinds of friends."

"I see. And did you and your 'friends' engage on this desk."

"..."

"Kris, answer the question."

"...Once, but it was a super long time ago and-. Ow! Adri stop hitting me!"

As soon as I heard her answer, I jumped up and immediately began hitting her as hard as I could. I could have a disease now all because Kris wants to be gross.

"Don't call me Adri! It's Adrianna for you! You are officially back to the other 40 percent! You are so disgusting! Is that why you brought me in here?! To privately "comfort" me?!" I was fuming. At first, because I was sitting on Kris's STD desk, and then even more after I realized I wouldn't mind Kris doing to me what she did to those other girls.

I needed to get new meds.

"No Adri, I would-, I mean Adrianna. I would never do anything in this room with you. You deserve the best. And I especially wouldn't have done anything with you with the state that you were in. Never." Kris held up her arms in a surrendering position, while I continued to glare at her.

"What you should've said is that you'd never do anything with me ever." I corrected her and she immediately shook her head.

"You're disgusting."

"No, I'm not. It's a really beautiful thing. You'd know if you'd let me show you."

"You obviously want me to continue to be angry with you."

"Kind of. You're cute when you're angry."

"I'm going to strangle you."