Anxiety is For Nerds.....and Other Unavoidable Truths

Dumbass Things We Can Laugh At- Vol 1

 One time when I was six, I passed an indoor fountain in the mall. It was full of shiny, pretty coins people had tossed in over time. Me being six, I immediately got on my hands and knees at the edge of the fountain and started shoveling out coins as fast as I could. Visions of riches danced in my head. A lady started yelling at me, and it startled me so badly, I tumbled into the fountain. My mom and dad had to walk me, soaking, through the mall out to the car. Years later, I found out people were tossing coins into that fountain for charity.

-Murphy

I was standing in a buffet line in front of my best friend from grade school, who was one of the funniest guys I knew, and who was a little overweight. I was walking by the dessert section of the buffet line, and I noticed that there was only chocolate chip cookie left on the cookie plate. I snatched the last cookie, and quipped over my shoulder to my friend standing behind me: "Got the last chocolate chip cookie for myself, you goddamn fat-ass!" I turned around to see his reaction, only to discover it wasn't my fat friend standing behind me. It was a horrified grandmother in a motorized wheelchair.

-Tim

One time in my freshman year of high school, I tried to do a wheelie on my bike, to impress a cute girl that I knew. I had seen a ton of YouTube videos of people doing wheelies, and it never looked that difficult. I thought "How hard could it be?" So I popped the wheelie, tumbled asshole-over-elbows, and my butt hit the ground so hard that I farted. Loudly. I honestly thought that I had shit my pants.

-Grant

I once tried to perform a magic show when I was a kid, but I was upset because I didn't have a white rabbit. For some reason, every magic show I had ever seen as a child involved a white rabbit. I couldn't be magic without a white rabbit as far as I knew, and I didn't have one. I settled for my friend's white pet rat, and tried to do a magic show with a large white rat instead of a rabbit. Huge mistake. The stupid thing got loose, of course. Every kid and every parent in the audience started climbing on tables and chairs, screaming their lungs out. One kid got so scared, he threw up on himself. That was the end of my magician career.

-Dylan

 When I was maybe four years old, I was obsessed with Audrey Hepburn. I had posters of her all over my bedroom wall. I especially loved a poster I had of her from the iconic movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. I LOVED her lipstick in that movie, and I wanted my lips to have that exact same color. Since I had no idea what lipstick was or how it worked, I rummaged through my parents bathroom cabinet looking for something that would make my lips the same color as Audrey Hepburn's. I found a bottle of calamine lotion and thought I had finally found the answer. So I started smearing the lotion on my lips, and got super upset when it didn't seem to be working the way I wanted it to. I started crying on my parent's bathroom floor. My dad tells me that when him and Mom came to see what was the matter, it looked like I had sprinted lips-first through a patch of poison ivy.

-Vanessa