Efímero | His Legacy | Formula 1

4. Loveless life = pain

I spend two hours inside the closet before the Reverend Mother comes to take me out.

"Did you learn your lesson?" she screams at me the moment she opens the door.

"Yes, Reverend Mother," I say in a whisper looking down at my knees.

She grabs my face and makes me look directly into her eyes.  "Could you repeat that louder?"

"Yes, Reverend Mother. I learned my lesson" I say clenching my teeth.

"Good, now go to your and do not cause more trouble."

I go to my bed, and I know tomorrow there will be a big mark on my cheek which I will need to cover with lots of make-up. I know I shouldn't be hiding what they do to me and should ask for help, but that's useless. If I did ask for help and someone gave it to me, they would close the orphanage and send us to another orphanage in another part of the country where they will probably treat us the same or worse. Too much trouble to end up in the same situation. That's the life of an orphan and we have to learn how to go through it.

The life of someone that isn't loved is painful.

---

The way I can calm myself, make myself forget about everything, and just enjoy life is by driving. Driving really fast. I've been driving since I was four and I never stopped. I drive karts and go to competitions around the world. That's what every successful Formula 1 driver did before when they were my age. That's my dream, to be in F1 driver. I've always loved cars. I've been my whole life obsessed with cars. When Jules noticed my obsession with them, he took me to a kart circuit and after that day I never stop driving. It makes me feel safe even though so many people have died doing the exact thing I am currently doing.

But that's why only certain people can do this sport. You have to learn not to fear velocity and learn to love it because if you are scared you cannot be successful in a sport like this. People who race are lovers of adrenaline and the possibility of dying in a blink, and especially never having complete control.

I am in my karts practice just trying to go as fast as possible and enjoying it in the process. I've always seen karting as a fun activity, something I should enjoy, not something I have to stress about and suffer because I need to win. Don't get me wrong I want to win, but there is an enormous difference between needing and wanting to win. To need something is that you cannot live without it and will be miserable without it. To want something is to desire, but nothing will happen if you don't get it, you might be a little sad, but you won't be worrying about it. I don't stress or suffer over losing a race, I try to enjoy it as much as I can and learn through my mistakes. You cannot be stressing over everything all the time when life is so fragile and could end at any moment.

But do not tell my sponsors I said this because all they are in is for me to win, especially Finneas. I don't want to lose any sponsors; they are really important for my career. In motorsport without sponsors you cannot get anywhere unless you are hella rich which isn't my case.

When I finish practice, I say goodbye to everyone and get my stuff. When I get out of the place, I find the person I didn't think I would see again, at least for a long time.

Charles Leclerc

Again.

Fuck!!!!!!!!!

I go passed him ignoring him, acting like I don't know he is searching for me. He stops me by grabbing my arm.

"Let me go," I say clenching my teeth.

"I need to talk to you," he says almost begging.

"I already told you," I say finally facing him. "I. Don't. Care."