The Feeling Checklist

28

Leaning up to press my fingers to my skin, I feel the wetness, and my lip trembles, the realization of my tears hitting me all at once. The floodgates open like a dam breaking free, and I let out a chortled scream of anguish, releasing my mom's hand to pound my fist against the floor not once, not twice, but countless times until I lose track. "NO!" I scream. "You can take anyone else! Please don't take her from me. Please don't. Please."

I'm wailing, the sobs from deep down in my stomach rolling out every emotion I've hidden for so long. I can't hide them anymore. I can't help but feel every ounce of pain I'm experiencing. Everything I've tried not to dwell on is punching me right where it counts. My heart is tight as I continue sobbing, and I'm crying so much that I start to gag, throwing myself on all fours to vomit on the hardwood floor.

There's no getting control of myself now. I'm gasping for air above my vomit, my entire body shaking when the door bursts open, and River frantically runs inside. He glances around the room, covering his mouth when he takes in the sight before him. I'm too broken to be embarrassed. All I can do is sob harder, curling up into the fetal position beside my puddle of vomit.

"I-I heard you scream..." He clears his throat, eyeing my mother before his eyes soften, blinking away tears of his own. "Have you called an ambulance?"

I shake my head, gasping for more air as he sinks onto his knees beside me. "I can't do anything." I sob. "My body isn't moving. I don't t-think I have control over it anymore."

"Oh, baby..." He whispers, wiping away more tears before pulling me into his lap. I cough as I try to catch my breath, his hands running gently up and down my spine, pressing multiple kisses to the top of my head. "I'm here, Hazel, and I'm going to help you, okay?"

There's not an ounce of me anymore that would refuse the help. I can't do this alone. I can only make it out of this with someone leading the way. I'm lost in darkness and can't find any source of light.

"Where is your phone?" he asks gently, but I'm crying too hard to tell him. Instead, he feels around my body, feeling the shape in my pocket before he reaches in and pulls it out. He calls an ambulance but says it's for two people, placing my phone on the floor before he looks at me again. I've never seen such fear in someone's eyes yet such a calm demeanor. "I need you to breathe for me, Hazel," he says slowly, dipping his head down to catch my gaze with his. "Look at me and take a deep breath."

My ears are ringing, and I no longer can hear the fighting of those people on the soap opera. All I can focus on is getting these tears out. To try and get the pain to stop mulling me like a bulldozer.

"Fuck, your nose is bleeding," River mutters, wiping away more tears of his own before he uses the sleeve of his shirt to press it against my nose. "Tilt your head back."

I can't listen to anything he's saying even though I know I should, but he does it for me and grabs my chin with his thumb and pointer finger, edging my face up to look toward the ceiling. The ringing is only getting louder, and then I'm seeing stars, blinking rapidly to try and get them to go away.

"You're going to be okay," he reassures. "I'll make sure of it."

And then I see nothing but darkness.

***

A bright light forces me to squint as I open my eyes.

 Beeping from a monitor is sounding off beside me, and it's not until I pull my hand to my face that I realize I have an IV in it. My eyes are so heavy and swollen that I'm finding it hard to keep them open, but just before I close them again, I spot River beside me, his head resting on the rail of my bed, his hand clutching my non-IV one. Squeezing his hand, almost like he's been waiting all night for that contact, his eyes shoot open, scanning my face immediately.

"Hey," he says groggily and swipes his eyes, sitting up more in his chair, "how are you feeling?"

"She's gone, isn't she?" I whisper, biting hard on my bottom lip when he slowly nods, reaching up to push some hair strands away from my face.

"I'm so sorry, Hazel."

But nothing he can say right now will take away my pain. I have to live with it, just like I have everything else. "And me? What happened to me?"

"Uh, you had a panic attack. They gave you Ativan when we got here to calm you down, and I only know that because Margie heard you were here and came down to fill me in, even though I'm not family. Your nose bled from your blood pressure, and you popped a blood vessel in your eye, so it's red..." He sighs and clears his throat. "And your aunt is on her way here. She'll be here in two days."

I nod slowly at the realization of what's happening. My aunt is coming to get me so I can live with her. I'm not eighteen yet, so it'd only make sense for me to go and stay with her. I don't have any other option. My dad left a long time ago, and honestly, I'd much rather move to Minnesota than have to live in that house with him.

"And your aunt lives in..."

"Minnesota," I say, and when I see that same realization hit River's face, I blink away even more tears. We both know what this means for us. The odds of this working long distance are almost impossible.

"Okay," he whispers. "Well, until she arrives, Tracy said you could stay with us in the guest room."

The disappointment is evident in his tone, and despite all of this pain that I'm feeling, I push it aside to make room to care for River, squeezing his hand as tight as I can. He smiles softly and squeezes back, bringing my hand up to his mouth to kiss the back of it. "Margie brought you some ginger ale and ice cream. Your favorite. Do you want some?"

I shake my head.

"You have to eat," he says, and when I shake my head again, he sighs and grabs the ginger ale from the table beside him. "Can you at least drink something? For me?"

The desperation in his eyes is all I need to see before I lean forward and wrap my lips around the straw. I drink a couple of gulps and collapse back against the pillows, earning another soft smile from him. "Thank you. Margie said she'll be back on her lunch to visit you."

I'm too tired to have anyone visit me. Too tired to think about planning a funeral. Too tired to think about moving. Too tired to think about my future with River. Too tired to think about anything.

Almost as if he can hear my thoughts, he leans over to kiss my cheek, and before I fall asleep again, I hear him whisper, "We're going to be okay, Hazel. You're going to be okay."

A/N:

Happy update day

Such a sad chapter :(

What did you guys think?

As I am on my honeymoon starting tomorrow, I will not be able to update next Friday. The next
update will be Monday when I return! Hopefully you all understand! I will be out of the country & won't have access to WiFi.

Please comment/vote!

See you Monday :)

Twitter: believeeexoxo
Instagram: deannafaison_
Tiktok: authordeannafaison