I'm Normally Perfect (re-upload)

Chapter Sixty-Four

Later, when Alex joined me she asked if there was anything she could do and I scooted toward her and she held me. I was seized with the first of what would become a series of panic attacks over Alex and her health. Noni had only been about ten years older then she was. That seemed odd to think on, as I thought my grandmother seemed so much older. Then again, my mother seemed older to me than Alex did. What was keeping Alex alive? How could I be certain something horrible wouldn't happen to her? I figured I'd kill myself if I suddenly lost her—I couldn't imagine my life without Alex in it. That seemed the perfectly logical solution and it came to be as a lucid thought, "If Alex dies suddenly I'll make certain the dogs are taken care of and kill myself."

She stroked my hair and asked what was on my mind. I was reluctant to tell her. She said, 'Talking about it will make you feel better.'

After a long silence I said softly, 'I'm frightened of losing you.'

I thought she might be offended that I was scared she could drop dead at any moment, but she only squeezed me and said, 'That's understandable. These sorts of things make you contemplative.'

'Yeah.' I held her as tightly as I could, but that didn't make me any more certain she would be around for ever. Logically, I would outlive her by many years. That thought depressed me terribly. If she died at Noni's age then I would be alone before I was forty, which was seventeen years younger than Alex was right then. She stroked my hair and told me everything would be all right.

Next morning I couldn't move. I wasn't depressed—simply not present. I lay there for some time and eventually Alex appeared at the door in her gardening kit and asked if I'd like a bit of lunch.

I grunted and she asked gently, 'Why don't you get dressed and come outside with me—have a picnic. It's a gorgeous day for it.'

'I can't.' I wasn't being melodramatic—I literally couldn't sit up or put on clothing.

She regarded me quietly and then retrieved some clothes and helped me dress. She then pulled me up and led me downstairs and out into the garden, as we walked through the kitchen she collected a hamper from the table and led me outside to a blanket on the lawn, where she set it down and helped me onto the blanket.

I lay on my back in the sun while she did her gardening until she suggested, 'I understand there are sandwiches in that hamper. Along with some fruit, drinks and chocolate.'

I liked the way she said that, as if she'd heard from a third party about the contents of the hamper. I smiled a little and found a piccalilli sandwich. My favourite. I ate it lying down and when it was gone I felt something cold and wet on my hand. Without opening my eyes I petted Clem, who was sniffing out the sandwich I'd just finished. 'Hello, little squishy face.' She plonked down beside me and heaved a big sigh to which I responded, 'Ditto.'

After we went back inside I got up the nerve to phone my parents to find out what had happened. In some ways I didn't want to know because if my mother said it was true then it was. As long as I didn't have to hear about it I could pretend it wasn't real. Alex left me alone in our room whilst I made the call. She'd offered to stay with me, but I didn't know how I'd react and if I was going to have a meltdown then I wanted to do it alone. There was the hush of long distance and the extra long wait for it to ring. Several rings before my mother answered,

'Whut?' Anger flared up within me that only her voice could bring out. It was something of a feat that I hadn't spoken to her in so long and yet the very sound of her answering the phone made me want to throw the machine against the wall.

I said calmly, 'Hello, Mother.'

There was a pause then she said, 'Oh, hi,' as if it hadn't been years since we'd last spoken.