I'm Normally Perfect (re-upload)

Chapter Sixty-Three

That hurt. I felt myself inadvertently pouting, 'I do have faith in you...'

She cut in, an edge to her voice, 'Obviously you don't or else you wouldn't think I'd be so weak as to sleep with whatever man who asks.'

'I never said that!'

'If I find someone else attractive I wouldn't act on it.'

I stared at her. 'You find other people attractive that way?'

'Of course, one does notice other people.'

'I don't.'

'Darling, you're...'

'Repressed?'

'I was going to say lucky. But yes, I do occasionally see men I find attractive-I wouldn't do anything about it, though.'

'But you think about it?'

She regarded me silently, 'Do you want to govern what I think about, as well?'

'No, of course not.' I only want you to naturally think of me to the exclusion of all others.

'Darling, don't pout so.'

'I'm not pouting.' I poked my bottom lip out a bit further and she chuckled and pushed her chair back.

'Come on. I don't want to fight on our anniversary. One year is a big deal.' She came round the end of the table and pulled me up from my chair. We embraced and kissed and went up to bed where I forgot completely about all other people in the world and what Alex thought of them.

Next morning I disentangled myself from the bedclothes, happy, but aware it was only temporary. Eventually I'd get jealous again and the cycle would start afresh. How long would it go on? The idea of not speaking to Alex again was unthinkable to me, but I couldn't imagine remaining in the cycle we had been in for the past year. And it was getting worse. I was worrying over other people even when we were alone because I knew the envy would come back. Anticipatory envy.

The rest of the break Alex spent in her studio and I at my desk. I could feel myself pulling away from her, even as I tried not to. It was like trying to swim against the tide. The night before the start of Hilary she asked quietly over dinner, 'You're still not happy, are you?'

My answer was soft, 'No.' It nearly killed me to admit it and I hoped she didn't think it was her fault.

She nodded, 'I don't want you to be sad, darling. Though, you seem rather determined to be miserable.'

'Yeah. I know.'

'Perhaps you're right...about not...being a couple anymore.'

A big tear rolled down my cheek. It should have worked out so well. She continued, 'I don't want to lose you as a friend, though. It's a rather sticky situation.'

I said softly, 'Yeah.' I sniffed trying not to break down entirely, 'I'll move into Elysium. It'll make it easier, I think. Across the hall is still too close. I'll do it while you're at school.' She nodded and we spent the rest of the meal in silence. I felt like an utter failure. I had let Alex down.

The first day of the term I woke up in my bed at Elysium (I'd been considering re-naming it Purgatory). Oh joy, someone had tied lead weights to my extremities. I hated when that happened. I eventually managed to trudge downstairs and made a pot of tea, which I drank very slowly in order to prolong the moment of actually having to go over and decide what I would move to my house. I didn't mind living in the house at all-it was big enough for Clem and myself. One day Alex and I'd be friends again, I hoped, though I knew it would never be like it had been before. As I did the washing up I sincerely wished for the umpteenth time that we'd never embarked on our little adventure. I wasn't one of those people who saw the experience as the good bit. No 'better to have loved and lost' for Catherine Perfect. If I was only going to lose it then I didn't want to know about it in the first place, thank you.