I'm Normally Perfect (re-upload)

Chapter Sixty-Three

With the holiday approaching we bought a tree and decorated it, though the mood was much more subdued than it had been in previous years. Christmas day we rose late and opened presents in front of the fire making the obligatory "thank yous". Of course, the week after Christmas was our anniversary. I must say I didn't feel there was much to celebrate. Yes, we'd been happy quite a bit-ecstatically so on occasion, but we'd also been cold to one another. I liked it better when we were kind and friendly. If I had to choose between careering betwixt the extremes and having a less exciting but warm friendship I would take the friendship. I loved being intimate with her, but it wasn't worth the angst. I'd also met my angst quota, I thought.

The evening of the thirty-first she made a lovely dinner and we toasted to our first year together in the glassed in patio, the candlelight reflected off the panes.

She held her glass aloft, 'It's been...an experience, darling. Mostly good, I think.'

I gave her a weak smile. 'Mostly.'

She tilted her head to the side, 'Don't be sad, sweetheart. A year ago tonight...'

I cut in, 'I know what happened. Sometimes I wish it hadn't, though.'

She looked hurt, 'Do you?'

'We were happy the way it was, and then we went and messed up our friendship.'

She carefully put down her glass and said, 'I thought we've added something to it.'

I snorted, 'Angst.'

She smiled uncomfortably, 'It hasn't been all bad...some of it has been quite good, I think.'

I nodded, 'Yes, but I want it all to be good.'

She shook her head, 'Darling, it's not like that with any couple.'

I shrugged and worried my steak, 'I wanted us to be special, I suppose. I know that's horribly naive...'

'I don't think so. Every couple wants their relationship to be special. And we are. I feel I've been brought back to life and you're much more comfortable with yourself.'

I coloured and nodded, 'That's true.'

She said, 'So that's worth something. Worth something to me, anyway.' Forks clicked on china for a bit before she asked quietly, 'Do you really wish we hadn't?'

My response was just as quiet, 'Only sometimes. I want what we had when we first met. The butterflies.'

She thought about it then said, 'We weren't sleeping together then.'

'We did sometimes. In the same bed, I mean.'

She regarded me with an unreadable expression then asked, 'Are you saying you don't want to make love anymore?'

I shook my head. I didn't know what I was saying, 'I want there to not be such...confusion and jealousy. And the sex bit is when that began. I want it to be the two of us, but not have the tension.'

'You'd like for me to be with you to the exclusion of everyone else, but not have sex?'

'I suppose...'

She breathed out slowly, 'I'm sorry, darling, but when I love someone the way I love you I want to be as close as possible to that person. I love being with you. There are certain emotions that are beyond words that I feel for you and to my mind that's the only way to express those emotions. And I feel a bit hurt that you don't want to be with me.' She put her napkin on the table by her plate.

'It's not that I don't want to-I don't like how possessive of you I feel.'

'That seems to come more from your fear that I'm going to run off with the next man who asks. I do wish you had a bit more faith in me.'