Murder Is Scary But Band Members Are Scarier

Warped Tour Part 1

We finally arrived at the venue after a very annoying car ride. I was actually able to come in for free since Hannah and Jake were under 18. I would've regretted agreeing to take my kids so much more if I actually had to pay for my ticket. Of course, I was forced to pay for their tickets - including Oliver's even though he is 19, an adult, and has a job - but it would've been worse if I had to pay for one more ticket. Just trust me on that one.

We got in okay, which was actually surprising. Just because it's me, I thought I'd get arrested or killed or something. It didn't happen. Something happened a little later that could've gotten me arrested, but I'll talk about that in a bit.

We were given a schedule with set times and signing times and all that sort of shit. I let the kids figure out what they wanted to do while I zoned out and thought about how much I didn't want to be there. Finally I heard "Dad, are you alive?" and we headed over to a stage where the first band they wanted to see was going to play.

As we were going along, I saw a lot of weird-looking people. That one guy didn't even look like a person. Why were my kids so strange? Why did they like this weird music that attracted scary people? And it was also looking like I was just about the only parent there. Great.

My uneasy thoughts were interrupted by Hannah and Oliver gasping, and Jake screaming. I was then pulled over to a giant tree and we stood behind it.

"Okay. Anyone care to explain?"

"See that ugly guy over there?" Hannah asked.

"Which one?" She rolled her eyes at me.

"The one right over there, with the green hair and weird black make up. He's talking to all those little girls."

"I see. What about him?"

"That's Dahvie Vanity from Blood On The Dance Floor, the pedophile Jake always talks about burning."

"Well, I was going to ask how you know he's a pedophile but the way he's looking at those girls is giving me the creeps. You all better stay away from him."

"Oh please, like we would want to go near that creep," Oliver chimed in, pulling out a cigarette. I was going to make a comment about how he'll die from smoking and we'll all die from his secondhand smoke when Jake snatched his lighter from him and started running at this Dahvie guy. Oh my god. He was actually going to burn him. I had to act fast, so I ran after Jake, dove, and pushed him to the ground. An act that caused my shirt to catch on fire.

I started yelling and rolling around on the ground to put the fire out, and I couldn't tell if Jake was yelling, crying, laughing, or doing any combination of the three. I looked up to see Hannah and Oliver running away. Dahvie and all his little fans were giving Jake and me weird looks. I looked down at my shirt, and there was a giant hole in it which happened to showcase my blinding-white, hairy, chubby belly. Great. I'd have to get a new shirt, which only meant it would have some sort of weird band on it.

I was slowly starting to get up when a guard came over and asked what happened and if we were okay. I really had no desire to get arrested, so I came up with some bullshit to tell the guard.