Sanctuary Reviews

Heart of Thieves by lavendareyes

Heart of Thieves

By lavendareyes

The opening is energetic and hooking. Yazia is a fighter, a master swordswoman who is fiercely loyal to the kingdom she protects. She comes from a line of elves who reign over Sankori, a kingdom at odds with Abingor and its greedy, corrupt king. When Yazia's kingdom falls to the Abingor's in an attack, she must choose to either flee with her family and go into hiding, or take up her sword and kill the evil king.

Yazia's trouble is that she's too impulsive and headstrong. I think that this is a great conflict for her character. It gives you a lot to work with and it's a great way to set up her arc. The reader is never sure if she's going to think something through or act on impulse. My own main character struggles with the same conflict. It was interesting to see how another author uses this design.

Sometimes I found your exposition to be kind of distracting. Take this "as you know, captain" for example: "You're the Heir of Sankori, Yazia. The people are nothing without you alive and they're not worth the cost of who you are! I haven't forgotten the vow I gave to Father to protect you, or do you think that the moment these humans know who you are, they'll have mercy on you?"

By showing the audience what happens next: Draven trying to get her out as fast as possible, the audience can gather this backstory without this "as you know, captain" dialogue. We know that she's important. I don't think it's necessary to tell us why yet, especially not in the first chapter, and especially in a way that slows down the pacing.

Speaking of pacing, I'm not sure how I feel about the time skip between the first chapter and the second. It's almost as if you said "I'm not sure how to write this invasion so I'm just going to skip to the part where it's mostly over already." I think that this kind of kills the pacing and creates a plot hole. Like if the kingdom has been getting attacked this entire time, why didn't Yazia leave much earlier? I think a scene where Yazia is running through the chaos–even through the tunnels underground–right when the invasion is happening would be very exciting. And it would accomplish show vs. tell better than starting the second chapter with some narrative summary about how the attack is mostly over and the kingdom is burning now. The part where she just gets in a carriage and rides to the King felt very anti-climatic and I think it's because the big "inciting event" which would be the Abingor attack wasn't shown to the reader rather, it was told.

Also Yazia seems really calm for someone who just lost her city (Sankori). She's a bit too much of a passive character for someone who has a very good reason to pursue revenge. While she tells the reader that she's going to kill the King, the reader isn't really sold that she's going to do it...she lacks the passion, the drive, the fury. There isn't much emotional work going on here, and this story is told very much at the surface level: taking the characters from A to B so that the plot can continue...emotional craft is hard, but a good question to start asking yourself at every point is "what is driving Yazia? How is this motivation influencing every single decision she makes? How does it influence everything she says? How does it make her feel?" Once you show and continue showing your reader your main character's drive, then the reader can connect with them emotionally...especially if it's a character is so driven by their motivations that it leads them to ruin. Reckless, impulsive characters are fantastic characters and you set Yazia up to have that arc at the beginning, but by the second or third chapter, her drive and passion for revenge are mostly...forgotten, and she sits in this carriage on the way to see the King with a very plain "so it goes" attitude. I thought her passivity went against her character and the "trouble" that defined her in the first chapter (that she's impulsive and headstrong).

This storyis still well worth the read. I've been really lucky because this is the second great fantasy story I've reviewed in a row. What I like the most about it is the fact that the stakes are very clear from the beginning: two kingdoms at war with one another. A princess standing up to an evil king who has far too much power. The humans vs. elves conflict. At no point during the story did I feel that the main character was safe. That's great storytelling and it keeps the tension high. This is a very strong draft, a great concept, and a really fun read. I wish you the best as you continue working through the writing process.

See you, space cowboy