Sanctuary Reviews

Throne of Dragonix by Baqkns

Throne of Dragonix

By baqkns

I can't stress enough how impressed I am with your prose. This is advanced work for a teen author and your writing has so much potential. I'd be very lucky to have you in a creative writing course.

Iian is a royal in a world where people and dragons are one. Dragonix is a fantastical universe full of magic with dragons at its core. Iian and those like her can transform into dragons and use both forms to fight, conquer, and dominate the lands of Dragonix. This story has clashing royal families like Game of Thrones, intricate magic systems associated with the dragon's powers, and deep lore perfect for any high fantasy fan. I've been wanting a good fantasy story to dive into as I've been playing Elden Ring.

This story is littered with legends and as Iian grows older, she feels the pressure of having to live up to her namesake in a kingdom that's constantly at war. Readers will be thrilled by legends like the tale of Ryoketusai in chapter three, a story of dragons, war, and the forging of powerful weapons that allow the reader to understand the history of Dragonix better as well as the big shoes that Iian wants to fill. I won't spoil the ending of this chapter or the role that the hero plays in the fight for the throne of Dragonix, but I did find it very surprising and I liked how well it tied into Iian's story and motivations.

This story is fantasy and an early draft so it struggles with exposition as many early drafts tend to do especially in this genre. The exposition presents a significant challenge because sometimes authors have to tell the stories to themselves in order to uncover the world that they are building. This results in infodumps that aren't quite ready for an audience yet but have great potential going forward. When you come back to make another draft consider seeking out every area where you are explaining an element of the world to the reader and see if you can rewrite it to be an active scene. In the third chapter see if you can keep the storytelling active between the Great Aide and Iian instead of throwing the reader into a flashback that doesn't belong to the main character. Have the Great Aide tell the story and have Iian react to it throughout. This is one method of making the exposition more engaging and keeping the scene in the present.

One thing that you do very well is you use active descriptions to convey your characters while keeping the scenes immediate. Oftentimes you do this while setting up new scenes. I was particularly impressed with this example from chapter four:

Papers dispersed over the desk, the room messier than it could be, cupboards opened wide and books chased out of the shelves.

This is a very creative use of personification and I think it works very well.

There laid Iian on the bed adjacent to her office. A cushiony blue pillow supported her head and her silvery-white hair sprawled across the bedsheets unchecked. She held a book, her obsidian eyes scanning the pages, then focusing at times on the peach-painted walls.

This is such a clever method of showing the reader what she looks like using environmental storytelling to do so. You use some subtext here to give clues about her race. Your creativity shines here as well as your skill, and it avoids info dumping descriptions, a common habit of new authors. I was really impressed with your descriptions throughout as they utilize similar skills to the ones that you use here: environmental storytelling, immediate scene writing, scene-setting, tone-setting, personification, and subtext.

I like the thematic work that you've done with this story, your world-building, and your character work. I think that the world you've built is vast and unique. I like how the plot works as a coming-of-age story as Iian learns how to find herself in a world of grand heroes. She must also learn how to depend on herself in a world where the adults are less competent than they should be. You've created a lot of conflict in your story and it serves it very well. This story is great for fans of Game of Thrones, Eragon, and Elden Ring. I wish you well on your writing journey!

See you, space cowboy