A Kiss Goodnight at the End of Forever

Chapter 2 Pt 3 - Small Victories

He knew exactly what they meant – despite his ancient mind, being held by his mother as a small child remained one of James' favorite places to exist. "Well that's great. Because I'd love to." He walked to the shelves along the wall. "How about... Goldilocks?"

"Yes please. But you have to do the voices," Serafina said, then scooted to the side to create room for him on the bed.

"How could I not?" he answered as he sat next to them. Serafina nestled into his side and wrapped their arms around his bicep. James read the fairy tale with a deep, booming voice for Daddy Bear, a soft, sultry voice for Mama, and a comically pitched voice for Baby. Halfway in, he noticed that Serafina had fallen asleep, but he finished anyway.

James closed the book and looked upon his daughter, asleep against his side. Serafina's body rose and fell with his breathing as their chest rose and fell with their own. He slowed his breathing to mimic his daughter's and brought their motion into phase for a few cycles. But then a memory from this morning popped into his head and he needed to take a deep breath to calm himself.

At breakfast, Serafina had become frustrated after spilling the orange juice – eventually coming to tears. The reaction had been disproportionate and irrational. The reaction had been childish.

Martha was right. That Serafina – the one he and Martha had fallen madly in love with – was gone. The child who lay upon him now was someone different... But also the same...

James slipped himself out from under his daughter, replacing a pillow beneath their head with the grace and care of an archeologist avoiding a booby trap. And I just perfected that technique. Doubt I'll even need it now. He tiptoed to the door and lowered the dimmer switch, leaving Serafina some light out of habit.

Martha wasn't in the garage anymore. Nor was she in any other part of the house. James finally found her outside, sitting in the back porch swing. He joined her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She leaned against him and sniffled.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Like a shitty parent," Martha uttered softly.

"Oh hon, I'm sorry," he said, patting her shoulder. "You're nowhere near a shitty parent."

"When a parent wishes their child were someone else, that's shitty. Seems pretty cut and dry to me."

"Nothing about this is cut and dry," James said forcefully, but without raising his voice above a whisper. "There's absolutely zero precedent. Except that well... I guess it's technically happened twenty nine times from Sera's point of view, but that's not the-"

Then James felt her convulse from silent tears and he tightened his hold. "I... can't stop missing her," she whispered through sobs. "Even with her in the next room, I just... can't stop..."

"I know. Me too."

Martha sat up and looked James in the eye, her face pink and swollen. "Really? Because you don't seem... How are you so calm?"

James had every intention of supporting Martha through this trauma, but the implication was hurtful. "That's not fair," he whispered in defense.

"No. No, I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head in confusion. "I didn't mean it like that. But... how? I really want to know. Because I hate feeling this." Again, she leaned into him. "How can I stop feeling like this?"

"I don't know," James said honestly. "It might be denial. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. But..." He looked up at the night sky, a gradient of blue to black, and thought back to snuggling with Serafina in bed. Then he thought about being held by his mother in his first life and remembered a warmth and comfort unique from any other. It was a sensation he'd nearly forgotten.

"You know, I've never really talked about it much because I didn't see the point. Because there was nothing I could do. But forfeiting any kind of honest relationship with my parents has always broken my heart. In my first life... my parents knew me. My parents... loved me in a way they never could in any of the lives that followed. Do you remember that? Do you remember your dad in your first life?"

James felt Martha nod her head against his shoulder.

"It was different, right?" he continued. "You still love him and he, you but it's not the same now. But Sera's going to have that. She won't have to pretend and we won't have to either."

"But we weren't going to lie. We were going to tell her," Martha countered weakly.

"Yes. We were. But there's no guarantee that would have gone smoothly. And best case scenario, she still wouldn't have understood what it was like to be us and we'd barely remember what it was like to be her. Now, we can be there for her in ways our parents never have.

"And we're still going to lose her altogether someday. We'll die, then I'll wake up in Illinois and you'll wake up here." James paused, remembering the ache and longing he'd felt in the lifetimes following those with his children; the same ache and longing he and Martha were promised in the next. "We'll continue on. We'll be together at least. But we'll only have Sera in our memories.

"But, yes. You're right. We've lost something – without question. We've lost experiences we'd expected to live with her. But here she is, however she is. As someone we didn't expect. As someone more than we expected. And finding out who Sera is will be... whatever it will be."

"Like the song," Martha said.

"The what?"

"Que Sera, Sera..." she sang softly.

"Oh, yeah. Good catch."

She was joking. That was a good sign. But everything else about her words and posture told James that nothing had changed from when he'd first sat on the swing.

He knew she needed to mourn, however. He suspected he needed to as well. So he leaned his head on hers, took a breath, and left himself open. Then he replayed the orange juice tantrum from the morning in his mind and let the tears flow. Together in grief, Martha and James cried as the last of the blue sky disappeared over the horizon.

Author's note:

I'd originally intended for this chapter to only have two parts – the first from Sera's POV and then Martha's. But then it dawned on me that James is most certainly part of this and so his was needed as well. And I wasn't exactly sure why he was so calm in the first two so it was nice to be able to dig into his experience and see how it would differ from Martha's.

But now I'm curious. Am I making the premise clear enough – what happened to Sera and how how their loop is separate from the loop Martha and James are trapped in? There is still some mystery about the situation, but I want to be sure the basic idea is coming across.

Thanks so much for reading!!!