I'm Normally Perfect (re-upload)

Chapter Twenty-Four

'If you stick your head out you'll find a tray beside your bed.'

I looked out and squinted, there was definitely something there, 'Oh. When did she bring that?'

Alex said, 'She didn't, I did. Just now. Eat something. I'll see you later.'

I still wasn't hungry, but I sat up and ate a bit anyway and then went back to sleep.

The next time awoke the room was dim and Alex was sitting on the edge of my bed, brushing the hair from my face. She asked silkily, 'Have you been asleep the entire day?'

'I don't know. Has it been an entire day?'

Her fingers left my cheek, 'Don't be smart.' Her tone was humourless; it made me want to weep.

I muttered, 'I suppose,' and made to draw the covers over my head, but she caught them and put them back.

'Get up. It's almost supper time.'

'I really don't feel like it. I'm not hungry.'

'I don't care, Catherine.' In an exasperated tone she added, 'I apologise for whatever I said...'

I propped up on my elbows, cutting her off, 'It's not you, all right? I haven't felt...all right...for a while, but have been distracted from it.' I thought I might suddenly burst into tears.

'Distracted by what?'

'You. You usually distract me from feeling like hell, but sometimes you're not enough.' It sounded horrible when I said it out loud. I wanted her to be enough.

'I'm sorry. I didn't know.' Her voice went velvety, 'That you were feeling badly.' She paused before adding, 'Of course, if you'd told me then I would've known.'

I sighed heavily and lay back down, 'Yeah, yeah, I'm a horrible person.'

'No, you're not, Catherine, and I don't ever want you to say that again.'

'OK.' The seriousness in her voice made me sit up fully. I put my glasses on to find her observing me with a solemn expression. 'I didn't mean it.'

'I believe you did.' She stood and added, 'I have to wash up for supper; I suggest you do the same. We need to be downstairs in fifteen minutes.' As she left me I was suddenly overcome by the urge to hold her, though I wasn't sure if it was because I wanted to be comforted or if I wanted to comfort her. Since the evening of our anniversary something had changed, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was precisely. I felt more possessive of her, and simultaneously less possessive. I was more assured of her friendship, but at the same time, it made me think that if I did lose her it would be unbearable. I didn't like caring about someone so much that they could potentially hurt me so.

When I appeared in the doorway to the dining room Alex and her brother were already seated. I took my place beside Alex and her brother said to her, as though I weren't there, 'What's been the matter with her?'

'Dry up, Anthony.' I couldn't believe she'd said that to him. Apparently he couldn't either, as his eyes widened in shock.

We ate quietly, Alex and Anthony in their own moods. I didn't taste any of it, just wanting to get through the meal and go back to my room. It was the first time Alex hadn't been able to pull me out of my mood. I shouldn't have counted on that always working, though it had every time since we'd met. I decided to skip pudding and retired early.

I had an extra long bath, after which I had an unsuccessful go at reading and then attempted to work on my short story. I may as well have been trying to write in a language I didn't speak for all I accomplished. I couldn't focus on anything. Realising I couldn't concentrate only made it worse, because then, I can't concentrate, I can't concentrate began running round in my head, distracting me further. I knew it was only going to get worse before it got better, which didn't help matters. It's like the first stages of nausea, you feel woozy, but at the same time you know it's going to get so much worse, and you being to dread that "worse" part. I was dreading the parts that were to come, and hoped maybe it would stop somewhere before I could do nothing except stare into space and sleep eighteen hours a day or began weeping for no reason at all. I didn't want Alex to see me that way.