THE PLAYERS SERIES : S.M. {book 2}

XXI

I just wish I could freaking DISAPPEAR FROM THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH, or just better - DIE.

Those are the thoughts I had been dealing with for a week now, ever since I randomly kissed Alexia Putellas for no apparent reason - other than me being unexplainably attracted to her, although someone like her would never be attracted to someone like me.

(Un)fortunately, this whole week, her and the other Spanish players were gone for International duty - although there have been rumors about issues with their national team coach, Jorge Vilda, maybe forcing some players to strike in protest of poor coaching conditions. Meanwhile, the rest of the Barça players kept on going with physical training ahead of the international window that will see Sweden, Spain and the USWNT actually take on each other in two weeks. 

With basically no idea whether I will be included in the national team's squad this time - but with very little hope - I felt stress taking over my body. 

Today marks the day of the Spain players' return, and although a whole week has passed, I still was having vivid memories of the last time I saw Alexia.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, Sam" Keira says, raising her eyebrows. 

Surprisingly enough, we have been bonding the past weeks, which was facilitated by the fact that our personalities went well together. 

Also part of our little trio, newcomer Eve Perrisset just openly mocks me:

"U.S. national team's call ups are later today"

"Oooooh, right" Keira lets out before adding: "you're gonna be fine, Sam - your performances have improved a lot, if that coach of yours doesn't call you up, then he's stupid."

Eve nods her head in agreement. 

But as we enter the dining room following our morning physical training session, my whole body freeze at the sight before my eyes: exiting the room and almost bumping into us was Alexia, whose eyes immediately meet mine. 

Feeling as if I had been struck by lightning, I just stare into her deep hazel eyes, and I could immediately feel the tension between us - I just couldn't tell what kind. Quite immediately, Eve presents herself to the captain, while Alexia looks away from me, visibly uneasy. After shaking the French's hand, she then asks about Keira's health status, before turning toward me. 

Her voice sounding like it has been forced, she only tells me:

"Excuse me, you're in my way."

Feeling like the ground just disappears under my feet, I move aside, while Alexia walks past me without even looking at me or saying thank you. Well at least now I know how she took me kissing her... which is, NOT WELL at all, I think to myself, feeling my stomach literally burning from the inside. 

As soon as Alexia is gone, Keira turns toward me and, waiting for Eve to be further away from us, she asks in a low voice:

"What's happening between you and Putellas?" 

"What?" I ask, panicked.

Keira's eyes go wide. 

"Oh, my God." the Brit then dramatically and slowly says, staring right at me. 

"Shut up" I mutter under my breath, "nothing happened. She just hates me."

"Putellas doesn't 'just hate' someone - she's the most open-minded person-"

"Please, stop" I interrupt her, colder this time. As she nods her head, understanding, I just add quietly: "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Alright, then" Keira says, nodding her head, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine... let's go eat."

But, for the rest of the day, my mind is elsewhere.

***

"You're lagging behind, Mewis... faster, faster! More precision please..."

Those are some of the words Alexia said while addressing me during this afternoon's session, making me feel like crap. Although she wasn't wrong, I couldn't help but think it was related to the kiss we exchanged last week, as if it had also been messing with her head all this time. Or maybe not, and I was being delusional.

It is with tears in my eyes that I rushed to the toilets and burst into tears as soon as I locked the door of my cabin behind me. All the strong emotions from the past weeks resurfaced, highlighted by today's stress with the call ups, making me feel like nothing would be alright ever again. 

When I walk out of the toilet cabin in order to wash my face with cold water, I realize Alexia has been waiting for me here, nonchalantly leaning against the lavatory, her arms crossed against her chest. 

As soon as I see her, I roll my eyes and intend to escape from the room, which she doesn't let happen by grabbing my forearm, forcing me to turn toward her. 

"Mewis, wait."

Sighing as loud as I possibly could, I just get away from her embrace and cross my arms against my chest. Obviously, when I cry, my eyes remain red for a while, which is a pretty good indicator for Alexia right now. 

Setting my jaw, I just ask:

"What?"

Alexia stares at me with her deep hazel eyes, before declaring:

"I haven't been fair to you today at training. For that I am sorry."

"You don't have to apologize out of pity" I harshly respond. 

Looking down at her hands that were nervously playing together, she then continues by explaining herself:

"It's not that. I followed you here to apologize in the first place. It's just... (she looks at me, while I just nervously set my jaw) I've been really... confused all week long because of... you know. And it's been really hard finding the right words."

"You don't have to say 'em" I let out, bitter, "you said multiple times that you weren't looking for anything romantic, like, ever. And neither am I, by the way. I just messed up, and that's it."

Setting her jaw, Alexia then goes on asking:

"Aren't you interested in what I might say?" 

I shake my head, protecting my heart. 

"No."

Nodding her head, Alexia then says:

"Okay. Then I will leave you alone. Just know that I will not let... whatever dictate my way of being a captain with you ever again."

"Cool."

I just walk out of the room, while Alexia just sighs as I walk out, her arms still crossed against her chest. 

I have to protect myself, is all I am thinking at the moment, ignoring my heart once again...