The Way You'd Loved Her | winrina

Chapter 12

And she knew - she fucking knew it was a bad idea, so why did she climb out of bed, took his call and drove over to him? She missed him, she tells herself, now, sitting behind the wheel in her car. She missed him. He meant something to her. He still means something to her.

But that's not what he wants, and driving here was a bad, bad idea. She thought - she wanted to make it better for him, but she only made it worse.

Story of my life, Karina chuckles to herself bitterly and starts the engine.

How do you know you're in love? Karina's no expert, but perhaps she has something that resembles an answer to that question. Maybe. Maybe you know when you leave your fake girlfriend to drive to your kinda-ex-boyfriend in the middle of the night because he's crying and you feel bad. And then, maybe, you know when you knock on his door and he's drunk and pale and you feel worse, but not for him. Maybe, you know when you realize you never felt bad for him in the first place. You feel bad because you left your kinda-fake girlfriend alone on a Christmas night, and that's all you really can think about while you half-listen to your ex-boyfriend's slurred speech. And you know, when he tries to kiss you - you definitely know that's not what you want, and you know when it hits you that it doesn't matter if he's drunk and a mess. That's not why you don't want to be here. That's not why you never should've come here.

You know - you know you're in love when panic sets in and you think about her curled up alone in your bed. Waking up alone in your bed, confused and missing you and not knowing where you are while you're here and why the hell are you still here?

You know when you push him away and run till your lungs burn, and you sit in your car and listen to your heart calm down. Slower. Slower. Deep breath, skip a beat, and restart, full of this new knowledge that sits in your chest, heavy but not uncomfortable.

And you know - you don't even stand a chance when you come back to your apartment and tiptoe into your bedroom where she's still - thank God - sleeping, cuddling your pillow. You know, because your chest hurts so bad and you never want it to stop. You know when you climb back into bed and she wakes up from the cold that you brought in and you know it when you think there's nothing better than watching her blink the sleep away.

Maybe that's not how you know you're in love, but Karina doesn't really have anything else to compare it to. With Jeno, she kinda expected it, because it was always expected. And maybe it makes her a terrible person - this and a million other things - but now that she knows, she's not sure she was ever really in love with him. Everything fades away under falling snow, and her past feelings seem so bleak she wants to laugh at how blind she's been this entire time.

She's in love with Winter. She loves her. She loves her and she wants to yell that at the top of her lungs and she never, never wants to stop kissing her. So she doesn't.

"You're cold," Winter mumbles into her cheek, and Karina wants to laugh.

"I went out. I'll tell you everything later." She has to. But tonight - just tonight. She just wants this one night to unabashedly enjoy the knowledge and the feeling of being in love with Winter. Enjoy Winter.

When Winter finally wakes up enough to realize what's going on and tries to roll them over, Karina stops her. Revels in her own confidence and desire she doesn't have to suppress and hold back anymore. "Let me... I wanna take care of you. Tonight. Can I - I mean, can you-"

Winter's kiss tastes like hesitation, but Karina knows it's not about her and her abilities. "If you're sure," she whispers to her after gently pulling away, and Karina does laugh this time. If only Winter knew how sure she is. If only she knew how long Karina's waited for this without even being aware she did. And so, instead of answering, she shows her.