Idk what I'm doing, I just wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings that I haven't expressed before. I've been thinking about doing this for a while, so I thought that I might as well actually force myself to start pressing lettered buttons instead of keeping it in my brain. Right now I'm listening to spotify while my tea is brewing. There is a pubic hair razor ad. All I want is to listen to Lana Del Rey, but I guess not.
I have vanilla chai tea and a croissant and am now listening to step on me by the cardigans. It should feel all aesthetic and stuff but it doesn't. I've come to the conclusion that whenever I feel like this, and it just feels weird and awkward and wrong, it's a result of my setting. I can't wait to get my own house, decorate and act the way I want in it, etc. I can often hear my dad clearing his throat and singing in the background, and I absolutely hate it. I don't know what it is about it. I love my dad and my parents but most of the time I just want to be away from them. It feels like it's ruining it. But if they ever found out that I feel this way I would feel terribly guilty. That's why I'm conflicted if I want to have kids when I grow up. I
Sorry, I was afraid of my tea getting cold, so I stopped my sentence and brought my food upstairs. When I wrote "my" just then, my keyboard for some reason autocorrected took mommy. That was hilarious and confusing😭. But now to turn that funny moment into an "interesting one", there's this one "friend" of mine, (which amber if you are reading this will know who i'm talking about) makes me and some others very uncomfortable. In the past year, she has made various comments relating to the size of my chest, including saying these things in front of groups, therefore drawing attention to exactly what i don't want attention drawn to. She's also very fond of a certain racial slur, and then proceeds to hang out with literally mostly people of that race. I think she is also hyper sexual, and I don't know if that's from trauma or not, but still, doesn't fail to make me uncomfortable.
Anyways I think if I keep writing right now, i'll end up going for hours. Also, quick note, please excuse my grammar, capitalization, punctuation, and stupidity. I promise I'm not one of those illiterate wattpad girls, I'm simply trying to type as fast as my mind generates thought, which is impossible, but i'm still sprinting to keep up. Good night for tonight, I think.
