glow•° || skz || nonbinary Felix ff

questions•°

Then you have green. It's a mix between female and something else. Or purple as male and something else. And then you also have blue, which doesn't have anything to do with neither male nor female. Or black, which is the complete absence of colour. Or white, which counts as all colours combined at the same time.

What I like about this theory is that you cannot tell how many colours there are. There are some big generic terms like 'green', which you can split up in dark and light green, then in special tones like jade, viridian or bosphorus. You have to study arts to even name those things. But in the end each green tone is absolutely unique in itself.

And the same it goes with genders. You can't tell how many genders there are exactly, because every single one is unique. You can use generic terms like male, female, nonbinary, genderqueer or agender and so on. But two nonbinary people still can define their gender in a complete different way. One may be orange, the other a light blue.

And even the 'basic' genders male and female aren't written in stone. You guys can see your gender identity different from other males. There are different shades of red as well... I guess everyone has their own gender.'

For a few minutes no one said anything, they just sat there and thought about what I said.

'That's actually pretty cool' Jisung muttered.

'I think it makes sense somehow. Thank you for explaining' Hyunjin smiled at me. I knew I would get him with the colour thing.

'I'm sorry, but that...' Jeongin spoke up, 'that being nonbinary thing.. Is is like just a phase? Will it change again? Will you be a boy again after some time?'

'I... No, that's not how it works. Gender is fluid of course, so nothing's written in stone. But.. I'm not a boy. I never was and never will be. That much I can tell you.'

'But.. How can you be so sure about the future? If you say that gender is fluid, then it could be possible that yours changes back again, couldn't it?'

I contemplated my answer a moment. 'Well, I think gender in general is fluid. My gender particularly maybe not as much. I can tell you that as far as I can think back, I've never been a boy. So chances are low that it's gonna change in the future. Or, if you think about it, maybe it does change again and I realize I'm not nonbinary but a girl?'

'...that... Is that possible?'

I chuckled. 'Of course it is.'

'And ..-'

'You had your question, Jeongin', Chan chimed in. 'Let's move on. Changbin?'

'Um. What are things that make you uncomfortable? Can you name a few examples so we know better when there's an issue?'

'Oh, good one. The most obvious thing is being called a boy or man or male. It just feels weird, and a small part of me is always surprised when someone calls me that. Like what, where do you get that idea from? Same with male pronouns. And masculine clothing just feels like shit. For example oversized, stiff uniforms we sometimes wear or suits - though latter can be quite cool, too. Totally depends on the design.'

'And what're things that make you comfortable? That let you feel like you're yourself?', Seungmin asked next.

'Mhmmm. Definitely dancing. Because then I don't have a gender anymore, I can just become a part of the music. That is incredibly freeing. And clothes-wise... I do like skirts. Like, a lot. And I think I wanna wear more croptops as well-'

Chan dramatically sniffled and wiped nonexistent tears: 'My kid's finally growing up. I'm so proud.'

'Funny.', I said to him, 'Also,' I turned back to Seungmin, 'I absolutely love heavy coloured make up. With glitter and eyeliner and everything. Like the pictures Hyunjin and I sometimes send in the group chat.'

'Ohhhh they're insane. I can't wait for you to go on stage like this!' Jisung's eyes sparkled.

I laughed. 'Oh, I also love my blonde hair and - oh my god, my freckles. It took hella time, but I do love them. And the colours pink, purple and blue, for.. reasons. And glitter. And Twice. And you guys. And TikTok. God, I could go on for the next three hours.'

I felt all giddy and smiley suddenly.

'That's our Felix.'

The other members chuckled.

'Soo...' Chan said after a while, ruffling my hair, 'is there something you wish for?'

I had to think a long time.

'Can I answer that question later? I think I'm actually perfectly happy right now.'

And I was.

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