The Jock, The Nerd and The Geek

24

"Because she is not good for you!"

Marcos stared at his Mother as she continued, "You are not into girls! You know that! I know that! I have known that since you were born! There is no reason for you to hide it from me anymore. I know that it is the reason why you kept her. I do not mind, Marcos."

The words to those sentences burst out of him like a floor. "I am not gay!"

Maria stared at her son with a warning look in her eyes. "Marcos."

"I don't like boys, Mama." For years, he had tried convincing her. For years... How did she always like to believe only what she thought was true? "I have been saying this for so long, Mother! I love Alex!"

"Love?! That girl is clearly using you for her devilish fantasies and you're too naive to see it!"

"Alex will never do anything that I don't ask for! She's not like that!"

"My son will not want to be fucked by a woman, Marcos!"

He felt his heart stop beating at the words, the air in the room vanishing. How had she—? No. Alex was always too careful in his house. No matter what happened. She always—

He stared at his Mother's face. There was shame in his eyes. Disappointment. A look he always feared to see on her. A look he always tried his best to avoid.

He could feel the broken pieces of his heart piercing around his chest, leaving as much holes as it could.

"Oh Marcos," Maria walked to him, her face pitiful again. "I know, honey. I know it wasn't you. It was her—"

"It wasn't her, Mama."

"There's no need to defend—"

Marcos kept shaking his head. The tears he had been trying his best to keep began to fall now. "Alex never wanted to do that with me in the beginning. I was the one who asked. I begged her, Mother. I cried to get her to that to me, and everyday after, I loved it, I wanted it."

It was clear from his Mother's face that she could not believe him. That she would rather blame Alex than him.

So he kept talking. "Do you think all gays just do it for the sex? They are attracted to men, Mama. They have to actually like that gender, and I don't. I like girls. I like boobs."

Maria shook her head, her denial shaking. "You wrote a letter to Ace. I saw that too."

"I was questioning my sexuality," He felt like stomping his feet and shrieking at the top of his voice. He felt like yelling and trying to get her to understand. "I'm a teenager, Mama. It happens. I liked being fucked in the ass but I didn't like boys. Do you know how stupid it sounds when someone says it? Do you have any idea how scary it feels when you realize you really, really like that thought but you can never tell anyone because they will look down on you? I couldn't even tell you because I knew you'd never understand. You see everything as black and white. If I like anal sex, I have to be gay. If I like pink, I have to be gay. It's easier for you to just rationalize it than actually try understanding it."

"Understanding?" Maria asked. Her voice sounded scratchy. Hoarse. "You think I am not an understanding Mother? I openly allow you to be yourself. To dress how you want. To use makeup. To keep those— Those stupid cloths! I have been very understanding, Marcos!"

"But you never ask how I am. Do you even remember doing that?" Marcos asked. His eyes were red now. His nose too as he sniffed. "Because of Papa, you spend all your time trying to pay the debts and you never ask about me anymore. I know you do your best when you check on me but you never actually ask. Alex always did. Whenever I got scared and you weren't there, I had her. She was always there more than you had ever been."