Clutch of Affliction

Chapter 20

It's been a month since I started working here. Ever since I talked to Luke, he doesn't open up about that topic again. He'll just smile and greet me every time we're seeing each other.

But just by his presence, I found myself in peace. I love to see his smile which brings me comfort. I love his eyes that are smiling also when his lips smile. His aura became soft every time he'll see me.

We took everything slowly. Years of not being together made a gap that needed to fulfill. It takes time but I wanted everything to turn out well. This time, I wanted to set aside everything to give him the love he deserves. I need to be ready for our relationship. We need to be ready, to be precise.

When we entered a relationship before, we were not both in a good condition to let ourselves be caged by this thing called love. It needs stability and consistency. As the relationship is given and taken, we failed to reciprocate. I failed, to be more specific.

I can't reciprocate and give back the love he is throwing at me. I just take it but I didn't give the same amount that he deserves truly.

Now that I am not better to be in a place where I am not sure if I'll do good. I won't ruin Luke. So I need space to think first.

If ever I wanted to enter a relationship again, I wanted to consider lots of things. Such as my mental health, physical health, and my overall health. I need to be fit so we won't ruin it again.

I need to tame my heart first and foremost. Without taming my heart, I'll probably lose control again. Maybe I'll take things that are beyond my capabilities.

I am taking therapy to rebuild my mental health again. Elford became my psychologist. He insists though. He is emotional when he talked to me about it. I accepted his offer because why not? He is working in the hospital where Amara has a regular check-up for her eyes.

The therapy was good. It's somehow making me breathe. It is taming my heart when I have a session every week. Slowly and slowly, things became easier.

"You can't blame yourself for someone's death, Liza," Elford stated.

I look down. "I don't know," I smiled bitterly. "I can't stop myself, Elford."

He sighs.

"I have a personal question, Elford," I said, looking at him. "May I?"

"Sure,"

"How do you feel when Arya died? You may not answer if you don't want,"

It took him seconds before answering. "I became a rebel," he started. "I can't even accept what happened. I became a rebel because I felt guilty."

I stared at him. "Guilty for what?"

"Guilty for not even noticing the signs of her suffering. If I just knew, Liza, I will do my very best to treat her and be by her side. I rebel for Arya," he said, bitterly. "But Arya will never be happy with me, blaming myself for her death. She chose to free herself, so why can't I respect her decision? It's difficult to accept, of course. It took me months before I came back to my senses. I almost drop out before because of what happened. Up until now, I am still holding back. But I became better. For Arya."

I let my tears flow. I can see myself within Elford.

"It's what you're feeling toward the death of Arya and Linus. But think of them, okay? You know them better. Reminisce if you missed them. I am sure they left all the good memories with you, Liza."

Holding to his advice makes me feel light. I followed his advice - to think about all the memories with them and cherish them- and it helps me to take a little step forward.