Five Years Ago
"Hey! You get it too?"
Jay started for a second before he recognized his friend's voice then quickly turned to see Mouse waving his phone from across the parking lot, huffing a laugh as he nodded and made his way over.
Apparently he'd gotten the same text from Tess he had.
It'd come in about an hour ago, which had been perfect timing because despite the mild hangover he'd gotten after going out with the visiting detectives from New York's Special Victims Unit he wasn't in the mood to spend the day sitting around his apartment. It'd been a good case, a good end to the case since they'd shut down a major pedophile ring but that was exactly why he didn't want to be left alone with his thoughts. He was a lot better at handling these kinds of situations now but he wouldn't ever get used to them, wouldn't ever want to, and he knew now that part of making sure he didn't get stuck in a bad headspace was to get out and get some fresh air, usually by taking a walk. Quite often in this park, whether with Tess or Lydia or just by himself.
With Tess and Lydia was best though.
He wondered what the pair had in store today- given all the secrecy, Tess had sent them the coordinates to the park near her aunt's house rather than just the address, it had to be good.
"You got any idea what this is about?"
"Nope. You?"
Mouse shook his head but like Jay he didn't seem bothered. He actually looked excited. "Maybe it's a scavenger hunt."
"How old are you?"
"Fuck off, like you wouldn't find that fun."
Alright, yeah, he probably would.
And if Tess was setting it up he was sure it'd be amazing.
He listened to Mouse ramble about what he'd do if he was organizing one, hard to imagine when his friend had difficulty organizing his sock drawer, taking in all the other people in the park as he nodded along. It was a Thursday morning so it wasn't too busy, mostly just some moms playing with their kids, a few older ones who looked like they were skipping school- just a normal, civilian day. Boring even. Until he noticed that Mouse wasn't walking beside him anymore, instead paused a foot back staring intently at something in front of them.
The worry in his friend's eyes put him on alert immediately and Jay started scanning the area for threats but he couldn't find any. Not even a sketchy looking tweaker. Confused he turned back to Mouse, this time following his line of sight directly but that just made him even more confused; he was staring at the tree they were meant to meet the girls at, neither of whom were here yet, and it took him another minute to realize what was wrong. To realize they weren't coming. Because the little plaque that now sat next to Lydia's favourite tree could only mean one thing. Could only be one thing. Distantly he could hear Greg frantically taking out his phone but Jay just moved slowly towards that plaque, every step deepening the pit in his stomach until it finally swallowed him whole.
In loving memory of Lydia Ryan
1963-2016
No One Loved More
There was a poem inscribed at the bottom, another one of her favourites and he knelt so he could read it, his fingers shaking as he ran them over the words.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
But she had.
Lydia was dead.
Sweet, kind, feisty Lydia. Smart, funny, loving Lydia. Strong, creative, hardworking, dedicated, adventurous, brave, charming, cheerful, clumsy, defiant, elegant, energetic, lazy, grateful, joyous, magnificent, mysterious, naughty, silly, tough, tender, thoughtful Lydia.
All he could see was her face, every expression she'd ever made, every look she'd ever sent his way and knowing he would never get another one again broke something in Jay that he knew he wasn't ever going to heal.
"She put a block on her phone. On everything"
He didn't look at Greg where he now knelt next to him, just nodded slowly.
"It'll take me a while but I'll find a way to reach her and then-"
"No."
"What?"
The anger, the disgust in his friend's voice hit him right in his core but he just shook his head, his eyes glued to the little iron plaque. "She'll come back when she's done."
"We can't just let her do this by herself Jay. For fucks sake-"
"She has her team. They'll-... she'll come back when she's done." He still didn't look at Greg, just shook his head again and reached out to touch the plaque one more time, his fingers curling tightly around the edge.
He had to believe that.
Had to because the alternative, any of the alternatives weren't things he could accept.
He wouldn't.
With one more squeeze he let go and stood, refusing to look back when Greg called his name. He walked to his car in a daze but then found he couldn't keep moving, instead frozen as he stared at the phone he hadn't felt himself take out of his pocket. Greg had said she'd blocked him and he didn't doubt that but... would she have blocked him? Completely? Something told him no, just like it told him he only had one shot, once chance to tell her... What? Calm as Jay might seem inside he was screaming. He was heartbroken that Lydia was gone, furious that Tess had told them like this, that she hadn't even offered to take them with her, to avenge the woman they loved just as much as she did but what could he do? She'd done this because she didn't want them with her, didn't need them, and if she didn't need him there then-
Then he would stay here.
It was the only thing he could do. He tapped out a short message, four little words that said everything that mattered, his thumb hovering over the screen until he finally hit send, a strange mixture of relief and anger running through him when it went through. Part of him was tempted to try and send another but the thought of what he'd do if that one didn't... He wouldn't be able to bear it. And it didn't matter.
She would come back.
When she was ready, when she was done, Tess would come back.
She would come home.
And he'd be waiting.
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The Soldier and The Spy: Jay Halstead - Episode 1
फैनफिक्शनIt's been five years since Jay had seen Tess. He'd heard from her, if chocolate in the mail counted, but that was it. She was gone and he'd learned to live with it. Not always well, but he had. But tonight that was going to change. Tonight everythin...
