The Soldier and The Spy: Jay Halstead - Episode 1

Chapter 8

He tried to fall back asleep.

Tried to let the steady sound of her breaths lull him into slumber, counted the rise and fall of her chest like some would sheep but it didn't work and after a while Jay stopped trying to make it. What was one more sleepless night, especially after one like tonight? And at least he had Tess. For the first time in five years he could hold her and know she wasn't going to slip through his arms with the dawn. Just feeling her weight on top of him calmed his racing mind, the sweet scent of vanilla steadying his breath as he finally began to process what had happened, what it meant. How drastically his life had changed while finally returning to the normal he'd craved for so long.

He knew the transition was going to be rough, especially when it came to getting his team; he knew they'd like her but it would take time for them to trust her, and given how frequently Lady Luck liked to fuck with them it was only a matter of time until things got messy. It also didn't help that Voight didn't have much faith in him right now. Their relationship had always been rocky but they'd really started to build something, something each of them respected, but that had taken a huge hit when he hadn't handled Kate Brennan his Sergeants way. He didn't regret it, not when he'd stopped the Deputy Superintendent from splattering her brains all over her dress blues but it had still set them back. And right after Voight had told him he would be the one to lead Intelligence one day too, not that he wanted it. Jay knew what it was to lead, what it was to lose, and he didn't think he could handle that kind of responsibility again. No, being a Detective suited him just fine.

He held back a sigh, fearful he would wake the woman in his arms, and started to run his fingers through her hair. He was going to have to talk to Voight about Tess at some point, and the sooner the better, but what about everyone else?

What about Hailey?

The look she'd given him earlier flashed through his mind and his stomach began to churn. It made him feel like an ass but he thanked God they weren't partners anymore. But he was still going to have to see her, to work with her every day. What was he supposed to tell her? Was it better or worse to try to explain? Because explaining meant admitting there was something between them, something they couldn't have now, something he didn't want. Right? Could the feelings he had for her disappear just like that? God this was fucked up. And there was still Kevin and Adam and Kim to deal with, so many explanations, so much he had to share and he was not a man who did that easily and- Jay suddenly froze. His thoughts, his breath, his heart in his chest.

His fingers.

They had slipped under his shirt to caress Tess's skin, an action that had always brought so much comfort but now filled him with agony. There was another scar on her back. At first he'd mistaken it for the entry wound from whatever had impaled her but he quickly realized it wasn't as thick or ridged, or even in the right spot. Instead it was a thin cut along her spine; up her spine he realized with ever growing horror, tracing where it ran from the top of her tailbone all the way to the base of her neck. A single, razor straight line. Precise. Brutal. He could feel the malicious energy attached to it, as if the person had enjoyed what he'd done. Revelled in it. The contents of his stomach were quick to rise and it took everything to keep them down, to force slow breaths through his nose as he quickly pulled his hand away. He'd been so focused on himself he'd forgotten about her. Again.

How could he do that?

How could he have done nothing when she left?

How could he have just let her go?

Five years later he still didn't have an answer.

What he did know was he wasn't going to do it again. It didn't matter how this affected him or how difficult it was because it was nothing compared to what she would go through. What she'd already been through. God, what had happened to her? It ate at him that he didn't know. That she did. She knew exactly what he'd been through, or near enough, and more than that she'd done something about it. Why hadn't he done anything? He was pulled out his thoughts by Tess nuzzling into him, her fingers digging into his sides, and realized she was waking up; he hadn't even noticed the sun had risen, the room now bathed in warm light. He quickly pressed a kiss to her head, his heart clenching as she let out a contented little noise and pushed closer.