Chipped Heartz & Broken Smilez

First Kill

A grey pill pressed against the pale skin of my palm. Eleven weeks was close to the cut-off period. There was a chance the medication might fail, and I would have to go in for surgery. I hated the idea of them scraping my insides, vacuuming bits of flesh into a powerful suction. What a horrible thing to do to a creature whose only crime was being born.

I gripped the edges of the sink and gazed into the mirror. Dark circles were beneath my eyes; damp hair curled across my forehead. Shadows moved across my bronze skin. They seemed to cluster and form the shapes of two people wrestling, or perhaps I was just invoking a picture where there was none, confusing my emotions with reality. The toilet flushed, and Olivia stepped out of a stall. She gave me a small smile as the door shut behind her. "You look... worse than usual."

"We can't all look as pretty as you."

She frowned and sighed as she washed her hands. "I never said you weren't attractive; you just look tired, hollow, like you're a few steps away from dropping dead."

I chuckled softly and told her, "Never have I received a better compliment."

The pipe shut off automatically, and Olivia dried her hands on a piece of paper towel. "If you think about it, being pretty doesn't really mean anything. We're just something people like to stare at, but what if my face got riddled with scars or acid melted my skin? If pretty went away, what else is there?"

She stared at her reflection for a long time as if it had the answer. The word 'pretty' played over and over in my head. Olivia continued, "My mother keeps pressuring me to stay young and beautiful like that's all I need to survive. But that's bullshit, isn't it? Unless we're immortal like some of the people in Grid A are rumoured to be, we'll all grow old, shrivel up like we left our skin in water too long, and die. I guess I could marry someone from Grid A, but...." She glanced at her hands which were chipped from the wind's abuse and covered with callouses. They weren't the hands you would expect someone with her face to have. She tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her right ear. "Sorry, I'm being ridiculous. What I meant to say was that you ought to start taking better care of yourself, or you won't live all that long."

Inside a mansion in my head, a miniature version of me asked, 'Other than her beauty, what do you like about Bella?' The replica started to multiply. As the number increased, their voices grew to the point that I couldn't focus on anything else, and I had to kill them with fly swatters to return my mind to its peaceful quiet. The grey pill waited on my palm, and I quickly placed it under my tongue and waited for it to dissolve before returning to the dorm.

***

The first pill went down easy. But the second pill proved to be more difficult. I stuck it between my gum and cheek near the back of my mouth and waited for it to dissolve. Yolinda had given me the day off from patrols and exercising; she stayed with me after temporarily passing her command on to Olivia. I wondered why I didn't hate Yolinda anymore. The raw, electric hatred I had once directed to her had faded.

Now, Yolinda sat by the side of my bed on a foldable chair, a kind of callous expression on her face as she read a book.

Occasionally when cramps seized my belly and I hunched over in pain, she would reach out and place a cool hand on my sweaty forehead, then adjust my blanket, ensuring I remained warm. Lulled asleep by the warmth and quiet, I woke up a few hours later and discovered that the blood had overflowed from the pad, ruining my nightgown and bed sheets. I hated the stink of if blood. I worried that the others would notice and make detrimental accusations.

But though there was a knowing look in their eyes, my roommates remained quiet as Yolinda and I stripped the bloodied sheets before changing the mattress. A warm sensation flooded through me. Though we didn't always get along, I felt a sense of comradery with my platoon members. We were all stuck in this hell together.

I should feel guilty, terrible for getting rid of a child so quickly without much pain, but all I felt was relief. The nervousness that tightened my chest alleviated, and I found breathing much easier.

***

A few days later, I was so hungry the lasagna and garlic bread we had been served for dinner tasted like heaven. Whispers drew my interest away from the food. I searched the room till I found what had caused them. Approaching the table filled with Ivan's ex-platoon members was Frederick Hughes. He was tall and handsome with warm ivory skin; familiar strands of short brown hair touched his forehead. There was no sign of any injury. Fred reclaimed his spot at the head of his table, a brilliant white smile on his face.

Soldiers surrounding me whispered, "I guess the rumours were true. People from Grid A heal faster than others."

"I hear that they're not even people, just robots."

"Really? My father told me that each of them has a clone that takes their place when they die."

My fingers squeezed my fork, and across the table, I met Olivia's gaze. She sighed and shrugged.

Ivan had sacrificed himself, but after all our trouble, Fred had returned, grinning and laughing.

What was it all for?

I resisted the urge to get up and walk away. Drawing attention to myself would only repeat the past. For now, it was better if I avoided crossing his path as much as possible.

***

With my eyes closed, I held Yolinda's hand and trusted her to guide me. A door creaked open, and we entered a cold room. Yolinda said, "You can look now."

My eyelids parted; we were in a secret pool room for captains and vice captains only. Though I was neither, Yolinda had snuck me in there; a tight expression crossed her face as she bit her lip. If we were caught, I imagined she might be stripped of her leadership role, and I might have bathroom duty again or something worse.

Steam rose off the water. Etched into the stone walls were pictures of men and women wearing robes, touching each other, kissing, playing naked games, or talking. Yolinda gave my hand a slight squeeze, then we disrobed and started down the steps. Warm water tickled my exposed legs.

In the centre of the pool, the water came up to my waist. Yolinda's hands held my sides. She kissed me tentatively at first, then her tongue teased my lips, and I let her in. Despite the warmth of our surroundings, my chest tightened, and a chill ran through me.

When the kiss ended, I whispered next to her ear. "You knew, didn't you? That we couldn't kill him."

She exhaled; her shoulders sagged. All I heard was the hum of the jets sending ripples through the pool till she answered, "We did kill Fred, but unfortunately, there's more than one copy of him."

"What do you mean by that?"

"We killed a clone. I did some research after Fred seemingly resurrected and found out that 'Frederick Hughes' has been working here for about a hundred years. He didn't even bother to change his name or face to hide it. Since most people are only here for two to three years, they would never know. Apparently, when one Fred dies, another version of him takes his place." Yolinda placed her hand on my breast, close to my heart, and smiled sadly. "I guess one of the benefits of being in grid A is that you never really die."

Grid A. Outside of the great politicians, CEOs of billion-dollar companies, their families, and servants, no one had access to it. No one knew what crimes or falsities went on beyond the black gates that separated them from the rest of the country.

I asked, "Will the clone be like the Fred we know, or will its personality be different?"

"I think they share memories, so for the most part, they are the same, but from what I hear, Fred isn't always a complete asshole. Sometimes, he's actually kind of nice, but I didn't take you here to talk about Fred. Let's just relax for a moment." She kissed my left ear and led me deeper into the pool. The soothing water reached past my breasts and began to cover my neck. An unknown feeling tickled my spine as I let the calm atmosphere possess me.

***

A/N: I apologize for the late update, had some stuff to do and I took my mother to see dinosaur skeletons at the museum for the first time. Her surprise was the greatest gift lol. It feels nice to be able to buy her things after so long.

Anyhow, regular updates continue on Mondays and Fridays. Have a great one.