The Spirit of the Corps » Band of Brothers

85: The Ghosts

But every time she looked they vanished into the thin air they were composed of.

In Paris, she'd gotten close to asking Mabs whether she saw the ghosts, too. Whether she had her own steadily growing army of ghosts following her around, not letting themselves be forgotten but not allowing themselves to be entirely remembered, either. But as she'd opened her mouth to ask she'd felt the words stick in her throat, felt a sharp tug in her chest that insisted she was better off keeping the ghosts for herself, where she could change her mind every time she saw them as to whether or not they were real. Because sometimes she wanted to believe they were and other times she feared that more than anything else.

And she didn't want to find out that she was alone with her ghosts, the only person haunted by them. Because then she would really have to accept the guilt. Who else would they choose to follow around if not the person who had made them that way?

"Freckles," Floyd said, making her jump with his sudden nearness.

Probably, he'd been approaching her for long enough that she shouldn't have been surprised by his presence. Maybe he'd even called out to her. But she'd been buried so deep in her thoughts she hadn't realised where she was - not her room, where she'd been bound for, or the field hospital, where she might otherwise have been, but the parade ground, where replacements were scattering as they were dismissed for lunch.

For lunch? Had she been wandering around that long? She'd gone to the post office at 1030 hours. How could it be 1300 already?

"You alright?" Floyd asked, ducking his head to look her better in the eyes.

Charlie shook her head, an attempt to clear the fog out of it, but the motion caught the edge of a face she'd once adored. James with his blue eyes and his freckles and his dimples, watching her from the edge of her vision. Did Floyd really not see him? James was as clear to her as Floyd was.

But when she turned he vanished. He wouldn't even wait to let her give him the smile he'd always told her he loved.

"Charlie?"

Charlie swallowed hard as she looked back at Floyd. His eyes were concerned and she knew she was acting strange, so she did her best to snap out of it. "Hi," she said, painting on a smile for him.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." She shook her head. She'd answered too quickly and now he was even more suspicious. "I delivered the letter. Vest apologised to me. Did you put him up to that?" The suspicion hadn't been there before, but it rose up in her now. She didn't doubt that Vest had meant the apology, but would it mean as much if she knew Floyd had ordered him to give it?

"No. I wasn't aware he owed you one." Floyd's eyebrows were furrowed and he was speaking slowly, deliberately, trying to puzzle her out.

Charlie knew she needed to get hold of herself if she didn't want him to send her for a psychiatric wellness evaluation.

"Anyway," she said, changing the subject, "how are the replacements?"

"Aren't you going to lunch?"

"Right."

Get it together, Charlie. What is wrong with you?

"Yes. I am," she replied. "Are you?"

Floyd gave a suspicious nod and together they started to head over to the mess hall.

They walked most of the way in silence, all the while Floyd kept glancing at her like he expected her to grow a second head any second now and Charlie searched her mind frantically for something (normal) to say. It was when she saw Chuck walking up ahead with Babe that she was reminded of what she'd been meaning to talk to Floyd about.

"You bought me a corsage," she said, carefully stepping over a puddle. The recent rainfall made the air smell somehow fresh and dirty at the same time, and though there was a chill in the breeze it was a mostly mild day. The sky overhead was just starting to go blue where it had been grey all morning and more and more sunlight was beginning to peek out into the gaps between the clouds.

"What?" Floyd said, because she'd spoken without giving any context.

"Back in Aldbourne," Charlie explained. "At the dance. When you were going with Mabs and I was going with Chuck?" Floyd nodded so she went on, "You bought me a corsage and gave it to Chuck, who gave it to me under the pretence that he'd bought it. But he didn't. It was you."

"Oh." Floyd lifted a hand to rub the back of his neck. He looked away from her, evasive. "Yeah, I remember."

There was no use in trying to catch his eye, he was taller than her and making a point of looking the other way, so Charlie just asked him point blank. "Why didn't you just give it to me yourself?"

Floyd shrugged, still looking away. "I wasn't your date."

"Why did you buy it?" she challenged.

Floyd huffed a short laugh, the sound not quite amused but not quite bitter, either. It wasn't a real laugh but it was clearly intended to give the impression of casualness. It didn't quite hit the mark.

"I thought you might like it," was his explanation.

Charlie wasn't satisfied. "Why did you buy me the corsage and not tell me you bought it, Floyd?" she asked. She was hoping for a straight answer, was all but begging for it, but he was resolute not to give it.

"I told you. I thought -"

"Yes, but why?" she demanded, and finally he looked back at her. "You could have just told Chuck to get me one."

"Chuck didn't know your favourite flower," he pointed out.

"So you could have told him!"

Floyd tipped his head back and heaved a loud sigh. "What do you want me to say, Charlie? You've got me trapped."

"I want you to tell me the truth."

"I have! I got you it because I thought you might like it. I just didn't think about getting Chuck to do it himself."

"That's the only reason?" she pushed. She stopped walking and faced him, prompting him to do the same, and searched his eyes with enough pleading, enough vulnerability, that she prayed it would be enough to get him to see, that it would be enough to communicate everything she was feeling but couldn't say because she didn't honestly believe he felt it too. If he just said it first, if she gave him enough that he would just cross the line for them...

"Yes, Charlie, that's the only reason."

He stared at her hard, a mix of unreadable emotions in his eyes, before he inclined his head in the direction of the mess hall and continued walking.

Charlie let him go on without her and let her heart accept its brokenness for a moment.

She'd known. Of course she had. He didn't feel for her like she did for him. She was his best friend and no more, and that would have to be enough.

Oh, her heart. It ached worse than it ever had. She loved him. Loved him so much that it hurt. Loved him more than she'd ever loved anyone or anything, loved him more than she could even say.

And she'd been stupid, so stupid, to let herself read into the small things, like the way he smiled down at her in that photograph in Autumn's album or the fact he'd bought a corsage for her. He was Floyd, resident flirt, insatiable womaniser. How had she let herself fall in love with him? How had she ever been stupid enough to let it go this far?

But there was nothing she could do now. She'd tried avoiding him in a bid to lessen her affection and it had never worked, not any of the multiple times she'd done it. All she could do was love him in silence, be his friend and pretend that that was all she wanted, try to pretend that that was enough.

***

A/N:

merry christmas!!! i would've loved to have given you a happier chapter but, unfortunately, timing didn't work out that way. nonetheless, i hope you're all having a very happy holiday. all the love <3