With or without you

Chapter 40

I didn't go to school until Tuesday. When Monday came around I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I told my mom. She wasn't happy about it. She said I needed to go to school. I told her I felt sick. She let me stay despite the fact that we both knew I wasn't sick. I didn't want to risk seeing Riley. Even though I knew that on Tuesday I would still have to go to school. Gray didn't ask questions when I said I wasn't going on Monday. He offered to stay home with me, said he didn't want me there by myself. I told no though, because that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be alone. Lauren had been popping her head in and out of my room. She wouldn't say anything, but I could feel the pity radiating off of her. I wanted her to leave me the hell alone. She blackmails me, but now all of a sudden, she has a heart. I don't need or want to deal with her. I know she means well, but I don't want to talk to her, or anyone else.

Monday night Gray came over again after practice, even though I heard my mother explicitly tell him I was sick. We didn't talk much. I know his opinion, and I don't need to hear it again. During the day I had gotten a text from Austin. He was asking if I was okay and why I wasn't at school. I told him I wasn't feeling well. He and I kept texting for a while after that. I can't tell you why, or even what we talked about, but for me it was a distraction. Something to focus on other than how much I hate everything, and myself. I can't explain exactly how I feel. I'm so angry. At myself mostly, but part of me is angry at her. If she hadn't broken up with me, and told me that we would never be together I would have never kissed him. How can she tell me all those horrible things, but then still act like we're together, act like nothing is wrong, act like I'm not falling apart trying to keep up with all the back and forth she's doing? How am I supposed to just pretend I don't love her when she's still telling me she loves me? How do I pretend I'm not in love with her? How do I move on?

The entire day Monday I was just alone with my thoughts. Going back and forth between hating myself, then the situation, then being angry at her, then remembering the way she looked at me when she left. I couldn't imagine how she felt. She's right. I don't understand why we can't be together. I don't understand why she's doing this. But a reason is reason enough I guess. There's nothing I can do about it. I have no control. She has all the control, just the way she's always liked it. I was always okay with her being in charge, with her being in control, but I can't keep going on like this. I can't keep feeling like there's a chance that she's coming back, she had made it clear she wasn't, and I made it a fact that she would never come back.

Tuesday morning, I decided that if I was left alone with my thoughts all day I would actually go insane. I can't have a repeat of what happened last time. I can't just fall into myself and not come out. Gray's right. I need to keep moving. Gray likes to compare me to a shark. He says that I need to keep moving because if I don't I'll die. Sharks have to constantly keep swimming to be able to breathe. In a way he's right. If I just fall into myself the way I want to, I'll never keep moving.

I got dressed, putting no effort into my appearance, and went down stairs. Lauren was in the kitchen eating something. I could feel her eyes on me as I moved through the kitchen. I didn't want to eat anything but I decided to grab something small so she wouldn't ask questions. I knew it was pointless though. Gray is going to get me something for breakfast and he's going to make me eat it. Same things for lunch and probably dinner. Gray is always pushing me. Not in a bad way necessarily, but he always is making me do things that, even though I know I need to do them, I don't want to. I left the kitchen without saying anything to her. Gray had already text that he was outside. I didn't want to have a conversation with her. Lauren and I don't talk about our feelings, we don't share clothes, we don't do each other's make up. We may be sisters but we're only siblings.

Walking out to the car felt like it took longer than it actually was. The cold doesn't bother me, but because I know how much it bothers her, it always makes me think of her. I was half way down my driveway when I saw the cat again. His blue eyes felt like they were staring through me. I knelt down and waited for him to come and sniff my hand. When he did he turned and rubbed up against my leg. I heard the window roll down and then heard

"What're you doing?"

"Petting the cat." Next thing I heard was Gray open his door then closed it. I watched as Gray walked up to us, then sat down, crossed his legs and started petting the cat too. I smiled to myself, then sat down like him. Gray isn't a big cat person, but when they're sweet like this one, he can tolerate them more.

"Put him in your backpack. We'll take him with us." Gray said with a completely straight face.

"I don't think he'd appreciate that very much." For the first time in days, I was focused on something other than her, and how I was feeling. The cat then crawled into my lap and rested his head on my knee.

"I'm gonna keep him."

"Do it. We can get him a collar and stuff after school." I just smiled.

"I wonder if he'll even want me to keep him."

"He seems to like you just fine." We sat there for a few more minutes before Gray said that we would be late if we didn't leave. I gently moved the cat off of me and stood up. He followed me all the way to the car before he ran off because the noise from the car door scared him.

I knew Gray would stop to get us food, and that's exactly what he did. He is always trying to make sure I eat. Reluctantly I ate what he got us so that he wouldn't keep bugging me and telling me all the reasons I needed to eat. The entire car ride I dreaded the miles that brought us closer to the school. I don't want to see her. I don't even know what I feel. I feel guilty, embarrassed, heartbroken, angry, I don't know. I just feel like I have too many feelings right now, and seeing her is only going to make them more prominent. When we got to the parking lot I actually got the urge to just run. That's not a possibility though. Instead we sat in the car for a little while longer. We weren't talking much. We didn't need to. He already knew the things I was thinking. Plus, neither of us wanted to argue about our differing opinions on the matter. We heard the first bell ring while we were still in the car, signaling that we had to go in already. Gray gave me a look.

"You ready?" No.