✓ fatal || yang jungwon

013

There was this bitter taste on my tongue whenever I thought about it.
"Well, it all started with me and her-"

"Her?"

"Yes." My breath stopped at the memory of her face, "Her. My older sister."

The room I was in was quiet. Except for my own flat voice there was not a single trace of another human being here. It was cold.
I felt cold.

But nevertheless I told him everything. Not leaving out a detail.

"I won't tell you her name though. I told myself not to say it out loud ever again." I looked down, my hand clenching around my phone, "She was the perfect daughter, Jungwon. No, actually...she still is. Just imagine someone as beautiful as possible. With long hair, long lashes, beautiful eyes and the prettiest smile. That is her. My older sister."

Jungwon stayed quiet on the other side of the phone, while I continued.

My older sister. She had excellent grades and many genuine friends. Her friends were as nice as her.
No wonder, she had always been my parent's favorite daughter among the two of us.

"We were really, really close. Like really close. She would always teach me stuff that my parents were too busy to teach me. She would introduce me to her many friends, showing off how adorable I was. We were inseparable." I sighed, too tired to cry. I've cried about this so many times now. I was done.
"I'm sure she was pressured by our parents. And by me too. She was always there for me, but I feel like I never got to repay her kindness."

I stopped for a moment, looking over to my cat who was already sleeping soundly in my lap.
I patted her head, "Since she was very good at school there was no choice for me but to be very bad at it. Since she was the nice one, I had to be rude and obnoxious. You know, it was a lot easier being the opposite of her than putting a lot of effort in something that was impossible for me to achieve."
I didn't know exactly why I did it.
Why I decided to be a terrible person.
Maybe it was because I wanted everyone to stop comparing me with my older sister. Especially my parents.

But despite our differences, we matched each other. We still loved each other.

Well...that was till she changed.
One day, she woke up and decided to stop being my older sister. She avoided me every time I tried to talk to her. She started to be quiet. Isolated.
And I was still young.
Not a child anymore, but I was confused and didn't understand what was going on. She didn't bring her friends over anymore and started ignoring my parents.

Everything changed.

I was sure it was because she was growing up faster than I was. Because she was ashamed of me, because of how bad I was at school. I wasn't her cute little sister anymore.

"I never was especially close with my parents.
Maybe it was because I knew I could never be the perfect image of daughter they expected and wanted me to be." I explained, resting my heavy head on my knees, closing my eyes again, "So I stopped. I stopped trying."

My parents did show me affection.
Enough to keep me alive for a while.

But seeing how different they treated me compared to my sister started to sicken me. It made me feel like all of it was artificial.
They didn't love me. They had to.
My parents had to love me.

"You know, as someone who's never anyone's first choice, I knew that there will always be someone people will choose over me, no matter how much I meant to them." My voice sounded strange, as if it didn't belong to me. The lump in my throat grew, my tears flowed, "but then again...if I ever got the chance, I'm sure I wouldn't choose me either."

"Ji, you know this isn't true."

I ignored Jungwon's voice, his desolating words and the blood in the corner of my mouth after I had bitten my lips a little too hard.

"At some point, I decided to only love my older sister."

She's all I needed.

"That was before she died, of course." My voice broke as I tried to play it cool by chuckling, "One day she went on a trip with her friends. And never returned."

An accident. That's what they registered it as.
Her body was never found, but next to the river were her clothes, including her friends' clothes and the car they used to travel.

From one day to another, she was gone.
Just like that.

"Now that I think about it, I think I've lost her before that. Way before she went on that trip." My voice was trembling, "But I always knew that it wasn't just an accident."

"How...?"

"She left something." I closed my eyes to remember the letters messily written on that very piece of paper.

"It was you. Because of you I died a long time ago.
I can't live like this anymore, Ji. How can I?
I'm so young. It's just not fair. Why did you have to ruin my life? to: Mom and Dad, i'm sorry none of this is your fault.
I love you."

Of course, I asked myself what I did for my older sister to say such cruel words. To this day, I didn't understand. What did I do so wrong?

Was it because I tried on her clothes? Her ripped jeans and dresses? Her earrings and jewelry, every time she was out with her friends?
Because I accidentally burnt myself when I used her curling iron to look like her?
Because I smudged her eyeliner? Her mascara and lipstick?

Because I wanted to be just like her?
Was it that wrong?

I couldn't bring myself to tell my parents about the message she left. Just imagine how heartbroken they would be to find out that their perfect daughter wanted to die.
How devastated they would be to find out that their perfect daughter was struggling.

How both of their daughters were struggling.

And they didn't know the whole entire time.

"So I moved out, more like sneaked out...but that's not important. And guess what, Jungwon?" I laughed, my head hitting the white wall behind me, "My parents didn't look for me after all this time...They didn't care. And I didn't either, so here I was. Living by myself in a tiny little apartment I managed to afford myself."

For a moment it was quiet, except for my sniffles and ugly crying, Jungwon didn't say anything.
"But I'm doing quite well for someone who gave up a long time ago, really! You shou-"

I stopped for a moment. That's when it hit me, as my eyes widened.

"Jungwon? Don't tell me...Are you crying?"

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(a/n: I hope the chapter layout isn't too confusing with the dialogue and stuff😞😞 whenever the font is bold it represents the dialogue via call!!
also the ending has been decided everyone😍😍 please look forward to it)

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'·. please vote and comment if you enjoyed reading this chapter<3 ★°*ﾟ