Finding Him

C H A P T E R - T W E N T Y - T W O

"Valerius?"

Hm, that almost sounds like—

"Your brother called me." Her voice is timid.

My eyes lock within hers. "Allegra."

She takes one look at my face. "I can go." Her eyes hold so much pity for me.

I don't like it.

"You're here." I don't know how to act. To continue.

"I'm here." Allegra pauses. "If that's okay."

"I don't need you to feel bad for me." I tell her. "I don't know what you know but you don't understand. You don't— you don't—"

Her hand touches my arm. "I don't need to understand." Her voice is like silk. "You don't have to say a thing." I bite my tongue.

Dropping my head, my heart starts to hammer. I feel every emotion I've been torn apart with creep up and claw me in the throat. It.. it almost feels impossible to breathe normally. I can't open my eyes or speak. I can't breathe.

It's all too.. too heavy.

"Val?" I feel her. I feel her rest in front of me. "What do you need? What can I do for you?" Allegra is too kind to me. Too nice.

I want to pull out my hair and throw a fit like a child. I want to stomp my foot and scream. I don't want to stay. I don't want to run. I don't want to feel this unfavorable, dreadful pain.

I don't want to lose my daughter.

But again and again.

Again, I fail her.

Every time.

"Breathe. Please." Her hand takes mine and places it over her beating heart.

One, two, three. Over and over again.

"It's going to be okay." Her comforting words leave a lump gathering in my throat. Her hand brushes my cheek and I realize she's wiping a lone tear.

"I never wanted to be a dad." I let the words slip out of my mouth before I can stop them. Allegra's eyes soften. "I told everyone— I told," breathe. "I said I wouldn't be a good dad. I knew it, I knew I wouldn't be good at this."

Vulnerability isn't something I'm good at. Though, Allegra is here and I can't keep doing this alone. No matter how hard I wish I could.

"Why? Why aren't you good at this?" She presses on.

I laugh like she's crazy. She is.

"I left my daughter alone when she was six-years-old!" I stress. "I-I'm the reason she's had to grow up without anyone!"

"You were kidnapped, Valerius. You can not blame yourself."

It's true, I've told Allegra a lot of what has happened. She doesn't know about the mafia but she knows there's more to what I've told her.

"I should've seen it." I grit the words through my teeth, feeling each word hit me in my chest. "I knew that it was too dangerous for me to have a kid. It's not fair to her!"

"Don't—"

"She deserves a good family. A good dad." Tears crack down my cheeks unwillingly.

"And she has one." Allegra sets a hand on my cheek gently. "She has one that would give her the world if it was possible. You are a good papà, Valerius. No matter if you want to believe it or not. I've never seen any other man work this hard to put a smile on their child's face."